First Time's a Charm (124PW)

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

"It is a difficult job, and a complicated system in order to maintain order." Tasza looked at Sisara, evaluating her expression. "It is not a position I would be able to fulfill."

They resumed their patrol, and for the first circuit Tasza remained quiet. He was pensive, though alert. As they started the second round, however, he did speak. There was a hesitance to his words, and they were so quiet that only Sisara would be able to hear him -- and she might even have some difficulty, at that. "Is this really what you wanted to do?"

[Sisara]

For a moment, Sisara was thrown. She had comfortably settled into the silence if she was still a little giddy from their excursion. It had been quite something to see and it would be a lot to mull over to try and remember, in addition to everything else she had to consider from what Tasza had already told her. It was always easier to think these kinds of things over when alone. Maybe she hadn’t heard correctly?

But no, he really had spoken and asked that particular question. Hesitating, she considered replying with an affirmative but then he’d know she was lying. Why else would he have asked if he hadn’t already figured that this hadn’t been her first choice? Then again… what had been her first choice?

“Not really,” she finally replied, matching his tone and volume. And just as quickly, she suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable again, a feeling she absolutely loathed. “But that doesn’t matter anymore. It may not have been what I wanted but it is what I’m doing now.” She had wanted to sound firm and resolute but it came out like a little whiny girl’s excuse for a justification.

“What does it matter anyway?” How she hated this feeling. But now that Tasza had managed to bring it to the surface, it was hard to beat it away again.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

He nodded. They were on patrol; he didn't look at her. "Remember this choice, then. Even when you are forced to make difficult decisions. You're here now. That's what matters."

How many times had he said similar words to new guardsmen? How many times had his intent been brushed aside? He told himself it didn't matter, that he was immune to it, but he always had hope that one day he would have cause to feel pride for one of his fellows. More, at least, then the emptiness or disgust he so often faced them with. It shouldn't have mattered with Guardsman Sisara. She would never be more than a woman, would always lack the stoutheartedness necessary to be a brother-in-arms. Qe was unusual in that regard, but then again even she scarcely qualified as one of the gentler sex.

[Sisara]

Even though Tasza didn’t dig any further, Sisara had a hard time getting her emotions under control. The simple fact was that she struggled with vulnerability especially when it was in relation to actions or words of a man – which was presently the case, even if it was just one single man, a comrade in arms nonetheless. She wanted to run. Run and hide.

Breathing deeply, Sisara merely nodded in response to his words and kept her eyes resolutely on the crowds with her face carefully blank. It took her a while but she finally managed to calm down and she was glad that in the meantime nobody decided to blatantly commit a crime because she likely wouldn’t have noticed, lost in her own mind as she was. This was something she really had to get under control. It had been fine all these years but this was a completely new situation, a new environment to which she had to get used to. It would take her some time but she was resolved on getting through this. Good thing she had Farius to rely on.

“Have you had many instances where you had to make a difficult decision?” Sometimes she wondered whether her mouth wanted to get her in trouble but once again, the words were out before she could stop herself, but somehow, despite his sometimes forbidding expression, he was easy enough to hole with questions. Surprisingly.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

Tasza almost smiled. Almost, but he stopped himself, head turning as he scanned their path and the people entering the Court, walking around it, scurrying between buildings with stacks of paper or cloth-bound bundles. They were on the downswing of their shift, had seen it pass easily and without great event. "I became a guard," he said, unable to stop a trace of amusement from curving through his tone. "What of you, that you might ask such a question so carelessly?"

[Sisara]

She hadn’t seen that one backfire, really not. Sisara risked a brief glance at Tasza when she heard the tone of his voice, wondering why he thought this was amusing. She really did not feel amused at all.

What did he want to hear? That her life had sucked for the most part? That deciding to live through every day was a difficult decision she had to take every time she woke up? Not that she ever had been suicidal or thought she’d ever go down such a road, but life hadn’t necessarily been kind to her and though a lot of other kids in her situation had believed it to be the easy way to live because there was no one to account to, she had never found street life to be easy – on the contrary. Too many things weighed on her too much for her life to be easy.

“It was indeed careless of me to ask such a question. Forgive me,” Sisara replied, keeping her eyes resolutely turned away from Tasza.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

Tasza sighed. "There are many difficult situations present in the Guard, and such a question is, at its heart, personal. There are men who have made choices that resulted in the deaths of citizens or comrades, and more who have had plenty of last resort situations. Until you get to know your fellows in arms, you'd be best to work your way in from the edges rather than go straight for the heart."

[Sisara]

Sisara was quiet for a moment. She had always thought that living on the streets had provided her with some kind of basic knowledge on how to act around people, but one simple patrol was proving her utterly wrong. Had she really been this mistaken?

Tasza was right however. It had been a very personal question and she hadn’t realised until it had been turned back on her. While she had considered only a professional aspect, he had realised just how personal it could be and had had no qualms about showing her either.

“There really is a lot I still have to learn,” she finally said after a few more heartbeats of quiet. “I apologise if I offended you. I hadn’t realised just how personal such a question could be.” Maybe it would be much simpler to not get too acquainted with any of her fellow guards, as long as she knew that she could rely on them as far as the job was concerned.

“Don’t you get tired of newbies holing you with silly questions?” Or maybe she should just have been direct and asked if she was bothering him.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

"I accept your apology, though I was not offended. You are eager to learn, and I approve of your questions. Consider it a lesson and nothing more; this more than any other time is when you should test your limits."

The girl was as perceptive as she was blind, in alternating shades. One moment she had the tactlessness of a child, and the next the uncomfortable intuition of a woman grown. It struck him, that last question, enough that he turned to look at her to see if she was toying with him in some way. He'd known females who did that in an attempt to slide their claws beneath the skin of their targets.

"I do not," he said, finally, looking away. "I'd rather the young man who asks questions than the one who thinks he knows all and gets himself or his partner gutted for it."

[Sisara]

The young woman could feel Tasza’s eyes on her, scrutinising her but she didn’t react, didn’t turn towards him. She still felt uncomfortable and awkward and for some reason, she didn’t want him to see that. Maybe it was because he was higher ranked than her, maybe it was because he was actually being helpful, and most of all had given her a private tour or maybe it was a completely different reason. In the end, it didn’t matter. All she knew was that she was not feeling well in her own skin. And that needed to change.

“I guess that is one way of looking at it.” Sisara kept her eyes on the crowd as she was supposed to but the more she was trying to ignore her emotions, the more she realised that she was not at all paying attention. She really, really needed to get a grip.

“And I definitely wouldn’t want to be the one to get someone into trouble because an arrogant assumption. The danger of getting into trouble is great enough as it is when you’re new to the Guard, it would be silly to tempt fate in such a way.” Maybe he really didn’t mind her asking so many questions, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he was a little annoyed after all.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

"The fact that you are astute enough to recognize the inherent danger in being unfamiliar with such a dangerous job is enough to speak volumes. It is the path to becoming good with your position. Seek advice or help when you do not know the way; such is the path to success on patrol, though it will not always aid you in the advancement of your career."

He paused, considered what he had to say, and decided that it was his duty as a man and a guardsman, both. "Should you need aid, you may call upon me. Beware the fall of your popularity, though." His voice was perfection in neutrality.

[Sisara]

Blushing, Sisara bent her head at the praise. It hadn’t been something she had expected at all, being complimented by another guard, especially not someone like Tasza who had seemed so stiff at first. But oddly enough, she might not have believed the words to be honest had they come from one of the more relaxed guards.

“Thank you for the kind words, Tasza.” She felt almost like a little girl again, having an older brother or even a father praising her for something she did well. It was an entirely unfamiliar feeling but it made her feel better.

“You really think I’m going to be thrown before the wolves if I ever dare ask you for help?” If the wrong person saw them, would be the subtext. The sudden change back to neutral in his tone suggested however that there was a little more to this simple statement. Curiosity was once again awakened but Sisara wasn’t sure she should dare venture down that path – again. Why did Tasza make her so overly curious? What was it about this man that made her ask a million questions like a young girl? Though she couldn’t help but wonder why he felt that it would make her less popular if she were to associate with him. She finally looked at him again, her eyes asking the question she didn’t dare to speak out loud, if he were to look at her.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

Tasza inclined his head in response to her thanks. Unnecessary thing, but her manners had been awkward since their initial meeting. "I am not well liked among my peers. I take my position as a guard seriously, and therefore I do not bend rules for the sake of friendships or camaraderie. Should you be seen seeking my aid there would be repercussions for you, I've no doubt."

[Sisara]

His words almost made her halt her step, but she played over it; well enough, she hoped. Of course, she had already noticed that not every guard acted the same way, but that was only to be expected since they all had different personalities and not everyone came from the same background either. She hadn’t expected one – or maybe a handful or more – to be singled out from the rest of them however merely because they took their job more seriously than others. It seemed silly, but of course, human emotions often were ridiculous in certain respects.

She could however understand where some people might find it weird that he wouldn’t overlook a rule or other, maybe, in favour of helping a good friend or a member of the family. She hadn’t really considered this of course, she hadn’t been in the guard long enough to encounter such possibilities, but she was fierce where the protection of her loved ones, well there really was only one, was concerned. It would be yet another thing to mull over.

She was at a loss for words however. What was she to reply to this? Tasza most likely knew what he was talking about and he had been so kind to her and she had only just thanked him for his offer and now he made it sound like she was going to end up in the pit of hell if she ever did take him up on it. Not that it mattered all that much to her what others thought of her but she wasn’t particularly interested in closing all other doors before they had even opened for her, being new and all.

In the end, she merely nodded and hmm’ed but didn’t say anything further. There was nothing else to say. She needed to figure out what she wanted to do and what was more important to her. She didn’t want to think of herself as shallow but she did want to keep her options.

[Sinuvarakoon Tasza]

Tasza was human. Her response was as much as could be expected -- he appreciated the lack of a gilded response, but her lack of committal could only mean one thing. It was why he had offered the warning. The last thing he wanted was to be the source of resentment that could build later if she got a face full of guard politics from interacting with him, but he still felt a nugget of disappointment. Some days he thought it might be easier to not be human; maybe then he could escape the heavy weight of the inevitable social misunderstandings that followed him so doggedly and only ended with him stubbornly denying his own loneliness. Besides, she would doubtless be drawn to some wretched egomaniac, eventually: it was the natural result of a woman being put into a position of responsibility. Even when they weren't, they always looked towards those who owned some part of the revolving social hierarchy. Women were not interested in niceties, nor in compassion. They were, at heart, petty creatures. Even those few women who escaped the shackles of their gender inevitably managed some other gross fault that made them ill suited for partnership or friendship -- Qe was so masculine in nature that were it not for her breasts or the shape of her face Tasza would forget she was a woman. He felt sorry for her that she had been born with the wrong gender; she would have made a fine man, though she had only laughed at him when he had felt bound by respect to point it out.

So, he did not seek to break Sisara's silence or her thoughts. He regretted the necessity, and mourned the loss of her pretty face and gentle nature. In turn, he consoled himself with the rightness of his predictions, as if knowing the path she would take in advance might avert the sting later. He was too old for such games, he thought, but such was the life of an honorable guardsman. He should have done and settle for a girl who could, at the least, bear him children, but the thought of returning home to such a fluff-headed harridan as might be suitable for his rank and position was one that made him wince.

"An hour left," he said some time later, catching sight of two blue-belted records-keepers coming out of the small building and heading for the main entrance.