Merjockse Tejuanto

[Tribea]

Name: Merjockse Tejuanto
Age: 28
Race: A human male
Height: 6 6"
Weight: 139 pounds
Physical Description: An oliveskinned male, is a bit tall, has shaggy, straw-colored hair, his eyes are as black as coal, he is skinny, has a purplish, bruised, stiched scar below his left eye, which lowers the vision ability by 10%, making it about 20/18 i think? He has a bit of dark facial hair above his lip and on his lower chin.

Possessions: A small 7" gnome made pistol passed on from generation to generation through his mother's side with technetium groovings, a set(4) of bullets, a swig of scotch, a knee-sized sword, some clothes, the remnants of a technetium chest plate that has mostly been scorched and cut beyond recognition, about 28 bishini total, and a small syringe filled with Mercurial acid, which is a mixture of methylmercury, protiodide, and trolls blood, which is all stored in a small, cloth bag closed with a rope that goes around his shoulders that was made during the run from the troll

Strengths: A good swordsman, battle hardened, can lockpick because he sometimes had to steal, and a keen eye

Weaknesses: Not particularly strong, typically misjudges opponents, has a weak spot right above his ribs, not best vision, and is generally paranoid

History: He was born to a poor working family with four brothers and two sisters in Grecialso, a small town north of Semerkeht. His mother worked as a drug dealer and bar tender, his father a gangbanger and drug dealer. Him and his sister mostly worked at factories for 3 bishani a day, 12 hours a day. At age 16, something tragic happened: his dad, Crecmoso Deciso, was shot as revenge for not paying a wealthy crime lord money for "protection". This deeply scarred Merjockso, and he began to be more paranoid of other people because of it.
His mother, Isabellos Deciso, soon spiraled into a deppresive spiral because of the loss of her husband, and attempted suicide multiple times. One day, however, she met a wealthy businessman during a shooting competition. They instantly fell in love, and two months after marrying, that got married and moved to Keltaris in a small manor, but the old kids still worked for pocket money, as the step father already had seven kids from another marriage that he looked after carefully. However, they were mostly living a nice life in the lower part of the rich class.
At 17, the manor burned down. Merjockso then was forced out to the streets, as his mom and stepfather had died and his brothers put into the army and sent off to war. Living there on the streets took its toal on him, and when he was recruited into the militia at age 19 , the people assigned him to the Jersoko Rangers, which was a group of former street rats. Lady fortune still hated him for some reason, because apparently he hadnt suffered enough.
At the age of 21, he was forced out of the city along with the 18 other surviving soldiers after a failed attempt to hunt down a looting troll camp left the regiment in ruins and shame from their town.
The regiment eventually traveled to Thar Shaddin as a group of laborers, and at the age of 28, Merjockso and the other soldiers agreed to split up for 8 years. They would then travel farther east. Merjockso, along with 2 other soldiers, ended up in Shim as a drifting party of farmers.

This good?
Edit: Some great tips carried through
Edit 2: More TIPS!!!
Edit 3: Thats it, im making a version system!!! 2.0 will be itz completed form!!! Also, im not done with version .9

1.3

[Metarie]

Name: Merjockse Tejuanto
Age: 28
Race: Human
Height: 5 7"
Weight: 139

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading
Physical Description: An olive-skinned male, a bit tall (5'7 isn't really all that tall...) , has straw-colored hair, his eyes be (grammar: correct verb is "are") black as coal, skinny,(this sounds like his eyes are skinny, not that he is skinny in build)and has a purplish scar below his eye (which eye? does it affect his vision?).

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Possessions: A small flintlock pistol, three shots worth of gunpowder, a set(4) bullets, a swig of scotch, a knee-sized sword, some clothes, about 28 bishini total, and a small syringe filled with a type of gnomes-blight that can affect humans, too. It is all stored in a small, cloth bag closed with a rope that goes around his shoulders. setting note: A flint-lock pistol does not exist in this setting. Gnomes-blight needs to be explained.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Strengths: A sharp shot, battle hardened, can lockpick, and a keen eye one would need a keen eye to be a sharp-shooter, does this have other relevance? He just has really good eyesight? Also, setting note: being a sharp-shooter with a gun that may explode in one's face is questionable
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Weaknesses: Not particularly strong, typically misjudges opponents, has a weak spot right above his ribs, and is generally paranoid
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

History: He was born to a poor working family with 4 grammar: numbers below ten should be written outbrothers and 2 sisters in Grecialso, a small town north of Semerkeht. At age 16, something tragic happened: his dad, Crecmoso Deciso, was shot as revenge for not paying a wealthy crime lord.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

His mother, Isabellos Deciso, soon spiraled into depression until meeting a wealthy man, who took the family to Keltaris. Soon, they were living in a small manor, but the kids still worked for extra money, an odd thing to note. Is this an after thought? Why does this matter?as the manor owner already had 7 kids from another marriage. grammar: if using however as "nevertheless" or "but," you should not use it to start a sentence. Instead, the prior phrase should end with a "; " and however should be followed by a ","However, this period didn't last long.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

At 17, the manor burned down. Merjockso then was forced iut(out) to the streets, a qualifier or transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'living there' until he was recruited into the militia at age 19. His regiment, the Jersoko Rangers, was a group of former street people. A transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'Misfortune continued to follow Merjockse, though. At the age of 21, he was forced out of the city along with the 18 other surviving regimenters regimenters is not a word, try soldiers or 'members of the regiment'after a disastrous battle left their neighborhood in ruins. what are all these battles in Keltaris? We may need to examine the Keltaris entry for further information.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

The regiment eventually traveled together redundancy: together is assumed because they are a regiment to Thar Shaddin as a group of laborers, and at the age of 28, Merjockso and the other regimenters agreed to split up for 8 years, then to travel farther east Merjockso, along with 2 other regimenters, ended up in Shim.run-on sentence: this would be better as separate sentences

This good?
No. This is essentially the same as the Tribusis information, except you left out the family details. The ask from the other mod was not for you to just redo the content, but to consider the community, the setting, and the stories, when creating your character.

The ask was for you to read the setting, guides, and familiarize yourself with them before writing out the character.

This is on the "about" tab:
We focus on writing quality and plot as well as creativity and having fun. That means a fair amount of reading is required to participate properly. You must also have some appreciation for grammar and spelling, although you don't need to be a professional writer.

Here is the link to that tab: General Information

Here are some other links:

Advice

New Player Guide

Setting Essentials

Some Rules

Character Creation Rules


This is a good example of what to do: -----> http://www.tharshaddin.com/rp/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3143

Then, go look at this app.<--- This is a good example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

[Tribea]

Name: Merjockse Tejuanto
Age: 28
Race: Human
Height: 5 7"
Weight: 139

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading
Physical Description: An olive-skinned male, a bit tall (5'7 isn't really all that tall...) , has straw-colored hair, his eyes be (grammar: correct verb is "are") black as coal, skinny,(this sounds like his eyes are skinny, not that he is skinny in build)and has a purplish scar below his eye (which eye? does it affect his vision?).

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Possessions: A small flintlock pistol, three shots worth of gunpowder, a set(4) bullets, a swig of scotch, a knee-sized sword, some clothes, about 28 bishini total, and a small syringe filled with a type of gnomes-blight that can affect humans, too. It is all stored in a small, cloth bag closed with a rope that goes around his shoulders. setting note: A flint-lock pistol does not exist in this setting. Gnomes-blight needs to be explained.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Strengths: A sharp shot, battle hardened, can lockpick, and a keen eye one would need a keen eye to be a sharp-shooter, does this have other relevance? He just has really good eyesight? Also, setting note: being a sharp-shooter with a gun that may explode in one's face is questionable
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Weaknesses: Not particularly strong, typically misjudges opponents, has a weak spot right above his ribs, and is generally paranoid
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

History: He was born to a poor working family with 4 grammar: numbers below ten should be written outbrothers and 2 sisters in Grecialso, a small town north of Semerkeht. At age 16, something tragic happened: his dad, Crecmoso Deciso, was shot as revenge for not paying a wealthy crime lord.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

His mother, Isabellos Deciso, soon spiraled into depression until meeting a wealthy man, who took the family to Keltaris. Soon, they were living in a small manor, but the kids still worked for extra money, an odd thing to note. Is this an after thought? Why does this matter?as the manor owner already had 7 kids from another marriage. grammar: if using however as "nevertheless" or "but," you should not use it to start a sentence. Instead, the prior phrase should end with a "; " and however should be followed by a ","However, this period didn't last long.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

At 17, the manor burned down. Merjockso then was forced iut(out) to the streets, a qualifier her would be good, such as 'living there' until he was recruited into the militia at age 19. His regiment, the Jersoko Rangers, was a group of former street people. A transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'Misfortune continued to follow Merjockse, though. At the age of 21, he was forced out of the city along with the 18 other surviving regimenters regimenters is not a word, try soldiers or 'members of the regiment'after a disastrous battle left their neighborhood in ruins. what are all these battles in Keltaris? We may need to examine the Keltaris entry for further information.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

The regiment eventually traveled together redundancy: together is assumed because they are a regiment to Thar Shaddin as a group of laborers, and at the age of 28, Merjockso and the other regimenters agreed to split up for 8 years, then to travel farther east Merjockso, along with 2 other regimenters, ended up in Shim.run-on sentence: this would be better as separate sentences

This good?
No. This is essentially the same as the Tribusis information, except you left out the family details. The ask from the other mod was not for you to redo the content.

The ask was for you to read the setting, guides, and familiarize yourself with them before writing out the character.

This is on the "about" tab:
We focus on writing quality and plot as well as creativity and having fun. That means a fair amount of reading is required to participate properly. You must also have some appreciation for grammar and spelling, although you don't need to be a professional writer.

Here is the link to that tab: http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/Genera ... nformation

Here are some other links:

http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/Advice]Advice

http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/New_Pl ... ayer Guide

http://www.tharshaddin.com/wiki/Setting ... Essentials

http://www.tharshaddin.com/rules]Some Rules

http://www.tharshaddin.com/rules/Charac ... tion Rules


This is a good example of what to do: -----> http://www.tharshaddin.com/rp/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3143

Then, go look at this app.<--- This is a good example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

Been pretty busy, workin on it, plus the fucking wars in my ns group are driving me insane...
Sorry.

[Metarie]

ok.. have no idea what an ns group is

moving this to works in progress.

[Metarie]

Also, Hint: The character app isn't just about defining the character. The app also shows members your writing skills and sets you up as someone they want to write with or not. Something to consider...

[Tribea]

ok.. have no idea what an ns group is

moving this to works in progress.

Nationstates rp group
http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic ... 5&t=261785
Guess who i am!!!

[Tribea]

Would you say its ready?

[Saruna]

Quantity /= quality, but I feel you still need to work on the quality aspect. Check out some of the approved apps -- right now your character is looking a bit flimsy and sad. You don't have to write an epic, no, but your character is essentially a blank slate with a chalk outline drawn on it. Give us more to better understand who your character is, how he got to be the way he is, and what his goals and aspirations are. If you feel there's nothing else you can add, then I am afraid we'll have to redirect you to other sites that might better suit your style.

[Tribea]

Quantity /= quality, but I feel you still need to work on the quality aspect. Check out some of the approved apps -- right now your character is looking a bit flimsy and sad. You don't have to write an epic, no, but your character is essentially a blank slate with a chalk outline drawn on it. Give us more to better understand who your character is, how he got to be the way he is, and what his goals and aspirations are. If you feel there's nothing else you can add, then I am afraid we'll have to redirect you to other sites that might better suit your style.

Got it.
Brain powers, activate!!!
CHICKEN LEG AVATAR ON!!!

Now Lets hope the damn colors dont find this planet...

[Metarie]

Again, the app is not just for outlining the character. From the app, the other writers on the site will decide whether they want to write with you or not. The effort here shows the effort you would make to contribute to a story.

Also, how you behave in chat with the others will also affect whether people want to write with you or not.

[Tribea]

Again, the app is not just for outlining the character. From the app, the other writers on the site will decide whether they want to write with you or not. The effort here shows the effort you would make to contribute to a story.

Also, how you behave in chat with the others will also affect whether people want to write with you or not.

So no more mutilation!?!?!

[Metarie]

I think you missed the part about how you behave in chat affects whether people in the community want to write with you or not. I know I mentioned this several times in chat and in reply.

Simply put, I received several requests to ask you to leave. Some requests included asks to have you permanently banned from chat and the site.

Feedback included lack of maturity, poor writing quality, and annoyance at the continued spamming within chat.

I suggest you try: Real Roleplaying Forums or

Unicorn's Visions or

Gaia Online

These appear to be a better fit for your style of interaction and writing.

I strongly suggest you refrain from joining chat moving forward and find a new site, with grace.

You may, of course, appeal this decision to the site admin by sending a PM to username Frug.