Telteron Ogarthe

[Telteron]

Player Name: Chris -The Brutal Scribe

Name: Telteron Ogarthe

Age:22

Race:Human

Height:6'2"

Weight:205lb

Physical Description: Telteron would commonly be seen wearing black or dark clothing, usually topped off by a black, billowing cloak. He is bald and his head is exceptionally accented by a conglomeration of strange blue tatoos. He is of a muscular build, but slim not a body builder. The smallest finger on his left hand is missing. His face remains mostly hidden but his eyes are grey and he wears a chin-strap style beard, which is black. There is also a small slashing scar that is located beside his right eye.

Possessions: He carries a steel stave that is nearly as tall as he is and topped with a wicked looking falcon's beak(a ball with a single sharp, spike protrusion for those of you who don't know).

Powers or Strengths: Limited cantrip style magic and some control over shadows and rock. He is effective at illusion spells: conjuring shadows, deflecting light etc. He is able to form limited stone objects and manipulate all forms of earth to a small degree. One of his only truly powerful spells is the summoning of a stone golem which, although small in size at about 4 feet, is nevertheless effective in defensive application. He is also able to summon small amounts of fairie fire and using this he can light lanterns, campfires, candles or scald enemies. He is exceptionally talented with the speciallized weapon he carries. His staff is the only thing he can truly claim mastery of. When he chooses to fight, the result is usually frightening. He is diabolically strategic and witty. He prides himself in his plots and schemes.

Weaknesses: He can be very greedy, to the point of falling into a black mood when he doesn't get his way. He has an issue with alcohol. After many attempts to stop his obsessive binges he finds himself still carrying a bottle with him most of the time. He is missing one of his fingers, though it only limits him in a small way when fighting. He also walks with a slight limp due to an old injury inflicted upon him by the dark elf ranger that trained him. Aside from these issues he is also exceedingly afraid of high places and moving water.

History: Telteron is an only child, born as a bastard to a whore of a mother outside of Marn. He was orphaned at the tender and influencial age of 10. His mother was slain by the fickle blade of a petty thief. As a result of his mother's death he withdrew himself. He was mean tempered and hostile towards anyone who wanted to help him, thus estranging him from his only living relative; his uncle Parr. Parr had played a part in Telteron's youth by teaching him a little of the stealth and earth magic that he had the use of. Telteron was able to continue chasing these mystical practices through his life and has come to some understanding of the dark arts.

He learned at a young age to take whatever he needed. He was a pickpocket, a thief, and an all around rotten teenager. The only person he ever attached himself to was a strange, wandering, half-elven ranger named Tenuur. Through the instruction of Tenuur he learned the art of staff fighting. It was taught to him in an eastern martial arts style approach and he was given no quarter by his master. Through consistent training he reached a point where Tenuur was ready to test him. It was during this fight that Tenuur shattered Telteron's kneecap. Even though he won the fight, Telteron left the company of Tenuur never yet meeting him again.

Towards his late teens he fell in with a crowd of "Treasure Hunters". Due to his talents at staying hidden and his ruthless control of the staff he quickly became a leader in this group. This new gang led him towards bigger jobs and eventually out into the wastelands to find fare. They rarely fell upon much of great value, until one day they found a particularlly generous tomb in the middle of nowhere. Predictably that group of "friends" were instantly at each other's throats. Telteron was forced to rely on all of his magical knowledge and fighting prowess to make it out of that cave-like barrow alive. He was severly wounded by the former leader of the gang; a man named simply Tuck the thief. Tuck's blow left a scar beside his eye that would remain there permanently. Tuck was also the only thief to escape that day. The end result was three dead "Treasure Hunters" and Telteron, minus a pinky. Although, he did walk out of the situation with his money bag weighing considerably more. The money however, was quickly expended on the purchase of alcohol and whores.

Telteron has wandered from that point forward getting whatever he needed at the point of the cruel falcon's beak atop his luminous steel staff. Love is far from his memory and death is always an option. He seems to have no true goals in life, except perhaps to get drunk another day and pursue gold every chance he gets. In the back of his mind he would still like to find the man who killed his mother and perhaps, also, to come to terms with the backstabbing leader of the Treasure Hunters, Tuck the thief.

[Niabi]

First of all, I would like to see spaces placed in the app to make it easier to read. When it is all pushed together it makes it harder for others to skip to certain sections for a brief glance.

The strengths and weaknesses need to be more detailed, you say he has magic powers but not how strong they are and what exactly he can do with them. As far as weaknesses go you have listed that he has a short temper and that he is greedy, I don't feel that these are weaknesses. Being greedy may make him unlikeable by some people and he may argue with shopkeepers and such but it does not effect him in any sort of real way. Then you have listed that he has a short temper, people tend to like to use this one a lot and it has to be my least favorite of weaknesses, well i don't even consider this one to be a weakness. Most of the time when this is used people make their character go into a state of rage making them much stronger but maybe they make a few mistakes. I would like to see some real weaknesses, maybe a phobia or an old injury that causes him pain or he could suffer from severe alcoholism since he likes to drink.

I will also ask that you expand on his history. No where in his history does it explain how he got his magical powers or that he has trained at all to use them. What is the significance of his staff and the falcon on top of it? How did he become skilled in using this weapon, was it through training? Are his tattoos of any importance? When did he get them? How was he effected by his mother's death? How was he able to walk away from this fight nearly unharmed, did he use his magic? What are his ambitions in life?

[Telteron]

I appreciate the feedback. The post has been editted, I hope you like enjoy it. The extra effort was great for me!

[Frug]

It looks alright but you need to explain the powers without mentioning generics like cantrips.

That line is too vague. Cut down on the number of things he can do, and be more specific about one or two things that he can do. I think the best way to make things more clear is to remove the first sentence altogether. "Limited cantrip style magic and some control over shadows and rock" is just too vague. List the powers one at a time and in detail what they can do. If he can manipulate rock, what does that mean? Does he have to touch it to shape it, or can he make pieces fly around by waving his arm? Likewise the word cantrip isn't really in our vocabulary. If he can create illusions, that should be all he can do, and forget about mentioning shadow controls. Focus on the limits of his illusion creating ability and elaborate on it.