Adurin & Suki

[Adurin]

Player Name:Adurin
Character Name:Adurin
Age:15
Race:elf/ human mix
Height:5' 6''
Weight:174 lbs.

Physical description:Adurin is a young half-elf, however he can weild a sword and dagger with ease.His pitch black hair covers the whole back of his head and his forehead in front, then some longer bangs run down past his ears. He often is wearing a brown pair of long pants and a white shirt, though it is stained from blood (not much though) and very dirty. He wears a thick belt on which he keeps his weapons and a strap of that over his shoulder for support. Dark brown eyes are hidden beneath his unruly hair and under his neck is a precious amethyst necklace. He has three brown wristbands on his left arm as well made of rope, leather, one one sports a bronze dragon on it.
As for Suki she is a brown cat with a tan belly, black stripes, and a banded tail, she is fully grown.


Possessions:With a iron short sword and a silver dagger he makes a strong fighter. He also has some strips of old clothing to use as a bandage incase hurt and a flask of water. Also has an amethyst necklace and three wristbands.He brings his cat, Suki, with him anywhere he goes


Powers/Strength:As a young child his father, Faldor, taught him to use a blend of martial arts and a sword. If done correctly it is both deadly and graceful, often the foe is very confused if defeated by this and still concious, which rarely happens, even if done wrong. The art is called The Dance of Blades Sometimes just reffered to as the Dance. Once he had mastered it his mother gave him lessons on simple magics. He learned how to communicate with animals through their minds ( He liked cats, they were always funny), increase his speed slightly, and break objects such as arrows in mid flight.


Weaknesses: Adurin is not very good at magic, he knows some valuble things but breaking an arrow is hark work for him and cannot be done more than 5 times in a few minutes, though the communicting is easy for him. The Dance of Blades requires two hands, so he cannot use a sheild for protection.Though light on his feet, sometimes he can be heard running because of all the weight he carries. And, like all here, he is suseptible to death, so one good cut could finish him off due to the lack of armor, fortunately the Dance evens it out a bit.


History:The history of my life is very simple. I am percived as a human to most, being few converse with my mother and everyone can see my ears are rounded. Luckily I got that from my father. He has been teaching me the art of The Dance beginning at the age of four, though he became skilled at age 8 and finally mastered it in his late months of his thirteenth year. He still sparrs but once he mastered it his mother, being a strong magical being, taught him simple spells and how to use them to his advantage. Adurin quickly learned the communication with animals due to the practice he used with the birds, who were very boring, and his cat, Suki. His mother illegally practiced magic, but very subtle so as not to draw attention. but one day everything went wrong. His mother was using magic to grow her plants faster when she heard a rustling, nobody was there so she continuedwith her plants. The next moning...
"So, how are you today Suki?" He asked his brown cat as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"Fine, what are we doing today?" She aksed on her perch beside his bed.
"We have to go to the market, mom needs more friut and spices, again."
"Again! Why? We went yesterday for that, I hate how she makes us do all her dirty-work. how about this, we sleep and she goes and gets her precious friut and spice! How ya like that woman!?!?" Suki continued her daily rant on how they were abused and his mother just sat around all day thinking of their next annoyance while Adurin got dressed and put on his shoes. As she talked about getting the guard on her he looked at his dagger, he brought it, you never really know when someone will kill you in Marn. Its not the safest place...or anywhere near safe.
"Hush Suki, you know we shouldnt be talking, now are you coming or not?"
"oh yes!" She excitedly leaped from her bed and then rubbed his leg as they left their home to run the arrens. Marn was busy that day, the usual happened; they were accused of some low crime, they were unacused, then some homeless man tried to eat suki, she hated that part, then they got the grocerys, but on the way home everything was quiet. Adurin and Suki looked around, nobody was in the street. Something was wrong. As if on cue a man in black with a red scarf jumped out, Adurin quickly pulled out his dagger, dropping the food and spun around to get behind the man, he ducked from the swipe Adurin gave him.this one is fast for a human! He jabbed forward, barely missing, then blocked an attack on himself. the man was pushed back and Adurin swong himself behind him, the with his free arm grabbed his neck, Adurin then stabbedf the man in the back, and snapped his neck.

Removing the dagger from the newly dead man , Adurin began to think if his parents were attacked, they're strong, but if there were to many of them...Adurin picked up the food and ran home, Suki on his heels. When he got home there were two bloody men like he had faught in the yardand one other who was an archer. Adurin saw hid dad on the grownd with two arrows in him. Adurin raced over, he saw he had no pulse so Adurin shut his eyes. He took his sword and went inside to see his mother battling with two other men, she had a gash in her right arm and had killed at least five others already, Suki leapt up on one of them and scratchhed and bit him. The man yoweled in pain and his mother used the distraction to kill the other man, The man Suki attacked threw her off and she landed hard on the floor. He then rose his sword towards his mother, then a sword same out of the attacker's stomach, then a dagger. He fell over, dead.
"Adurin, they found out . They know I use magic. Your father is dead and soon so will I, these wounds will not heal well" she turned to reveal a large slice in her back. "Take all the food and water you can and hide with Suki, she can help you. Take this though, it was my mothers, and her fathers." She handed him a silver necklace in the shape of an oval with amethyst in the center. "It was dipped in holy water so it should help you, now flee, my time is short, they will be looking for you, run!" Adurin did just that, He ran as far as he could.

He and Suki set up a camp under the forest canopy by the river. Suki slept for the whole time while Adurin planned for the next day, then at night she kept watch. This worked well but soon all they had to eat was some lettuce (which didnt last) , some berries growing nearby, and the chipmunks and squirrels Suki caught. Soon they were forced to steal food in order to survive.Now it has been almost three months scince the attack (He was nearly 15 now) and search parties have lessened alot, Adurin thought they might have told everyone he was dead, or no threat. But one day...they would pay.

[Julen]

Before you put any more effort into this profile, you should know that no new shifter characters are being accepted at Thar right now. Sorry.

[Adurin]

Is that better?please inform me of anything i did wrong, thanks.

[Sir Karsimir]

Before I look through in detail, it will be far easier to read if there are page breaks (empty lines between each paragraphs). Also do a quick proof read please, I noticed a fair few typos. Thanks.

[Adurin]

I added the breaks, but where is the spell check button? I fixed all typos i could without it, for some reason i cant spell scince right...

[Sir Karsimir]

Check our Community & Links section for something that will suit you better. http://www.tharshaddin.com/community.html

I can't allow a 14 year old character to come in as such a mighty warrior for no apparent reason. I get an anime-like feel from this, which is exactly what we are trying to avoid for this setting.

What I noticed reading the History is that it gives no background beyond the fact he was a kid whose family was killed because his mother used magic... and that the mother is somehow able kill 5 of 7 attackers. People do not get that powerful without very good reason.

Basically I don't think the character will fit, or that he can be salvaged.

[Adurin]

I edited it, is it good enough now

[Sir Karsimir]

Spoken plainly, I really don't think this site is suitable for you as a writer, or suited to the type of roleplaying your character is designed for.

So far the character has been changed from a 14 year old boy with inappropriate combat skills and magic to a 15 year old boy with inappropriate combat skills and magic. Ultimately the character is still child with massive powers, which is unsuitable.

[Adurin]

Im sorry, but you have got to be kidding me! I also added to the history, and havent you ever heard of an extrordinary kid who accomplished many feats? Im not trying to be a super powered kid, but think about it this way, if you are trained for 11 years to swordfight you should be good! I mean no disrespect, but this is slightly rediculous. and what is wrong with his magic? I made it weak!

[Julen]

Since you seem rather unsure what sort of edits you application would require, I'm going to give some examples of what Karsimir is talking about.

Although it is a fantasy setting, Thar Shaddin strives for a certain amount of realism. If characters have unusual abilities, it needs to be explained why -- the abilities need to arise from either their particular race (gnomes are good at making gadgets) or their history (they were trained to fight when they joined the town guard.) And they need to make sense.

Breaking arrows in mid-flight is a superhuman feat of speed and dexterity. I honestly don't see how this could be "taught" to anyone -- not even someone with a bit of elf blood in them. And saying that he can only do it five times in a few minutes is like saying that I can only blast you with five or six fire balls.

Overall, the character is simply too powerful for a starting player. He has massive combat skills, plus mental communication with animals, and almost no true weaknesses to balance them out. Not being good at magic isn't a weakness -- most people in the Thar setting don't have any magical abilities at all. I don't see how being heard while he's running presents much of a disadvantage unless his combat style heavily depends on catching people by surprise while he's charging at them. And being able to be killed is absolutely not a weakness. Even the most powerful characters at Thar Shaddin can be killed.

I hope this helps you understand the sort of changes that would need to be made to Adurin for him to be able to play here. As Karsimir said, you might be happier elsewhere.

[Adurin]

Thank you, all karsmir said was it was wrong and to powerful. How could I know what to fix when he didnt tell me?! Ill edit it today, but not at the moment.

[Sir Karsimir]

I have not given you tips because I think the character is beyond repair, and I think that he is very much designed for hack-and-slash RP instead of the character and plot-driven RP focused on here.

The other side of this is that since I think your character needs to be started over from scratch, I believe that hand-walking you all the way through the application process will not be doing you a favour.

Quoting the Character Creation page in the Rules...

The most important part of developing a character for Thar Shaddin is not your powers, but coming up with a concept and history. Your conceptualization of your character should not revolve around what kinds of powers she (or he) has, it should be about what sort of person she is. Is she good or evil, greedy or thoughtful, old or young? What race is she? (see the list of races) What are her motivations, her fears, her aspirations? What sort of attitude does she have? Where is her family? Whether or not you want to play an ordinary human or a super magical creature, these kinds of questions are what matter most. Powers and appearances are secondary traits. Design is where you have the most freedom. You are allowed to pick any race you want, or even make up your own (but see point 6 below).

Which contrasts heavily with how your character is designed. He was taught combat by his father and magic from his mother, but his father was just some guy who happens to be master of a unique fighting style and his mother was just some woman who happens to be a kick-ass magic user - they are nothing beyond the people who taught your character to have the powers he does. Why are each of them so powerful?

Adurin being such a powerful fighter that he is, was he raised to be a professional soldier? If so, what about any military values his father tried to instill in him? What kind of philosophy/belief-system did his mother attatch to magic? That kind of thing.

Honestly, I believe you have no interest in character/story development, I get this impression because there is no mention of grief or an emotional reaction to Adurin's parents being violently murdered. Were your character intended to be heartless/unfeeling than that would be different, but the personal trauma (and all other personal experiences in his life) are glossed over like they don't matter.

Who is the group which killed your character's family for using magic? Are they supposed to be the City Guard & Battlemages? If so, their methods, skill (or lack of it), equipment (or lack of it) and generally being easy to kill in large numbers, all contradict the established setting. The Guard and Battlemages are very capable people. If the group is someone else killing your character's family for magic use then why not just report them to the authorities?

Hope this all makes things more clear to you.

[Jenica Sabiny]

This application will be closed and moved within the next couple of days if there's no action.

[Adurin]

kill my account and topic, Im done here, you are all to strict and quite annoying. Sorry Rotiku, that is if you are still here, but I hate this place. It could have been fun, but the mods are brining it down. Sorry again to all he members, if you want to blame someone...blame Sir Karsmir. For some reason I just dont like him.