Hard Truths

[Falcon Bertille]

“Like I had a choice,” Sasha muttered, shooting a dirty look at Thetta. “It was either this or be left on the streets to starve.”

Unsurprisingly, Tam responded with considerably more good cheer. “It started on the day we got rescued. They wanted to leave Sasha chained to a wall, because they didn’t trust her. They thought she’d try to warn Snyde.” Nothing in Tam’s tone indicated that she disagreed with this evaluation. “But Mister Julen wouldn’t let them. He said I needed to be a hero. And the others listened to him. They let me keep Sasha safe while also keeping her from betraying them. Then, when they came back for us, Sir Aorle told me I did a good job.” Tam practically glowed with pride when she spoke the last sentence.

“I liked being a hero. I ain’t never been good at something that I liked doing before. So I thought I’d stick with it. And it seems like warriors have lots of chances to be heroes.”

Lowering her voice, Tam leaned closer to Rollick. “Also, they get lots of good food. Last night, Sir Aorle brought us extra meat, cheese, and fresh vegetables. I can’t remember the last time I ate a fresh vegetable.”

“How about you, Mister Rollick?” Tam’s voice had returned to its normally perky volume. “Why did you decide to become a warrior?”

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

Rollick showed no surprise at Sasha's words. He had been informed of the circumstances under which she had been brought to the compound. He had hoped to give her the chance to claim her destiny for herself, to find her own motivation and drive, but if she was unwilling to do so, so be it. He let her statement pass without comment.

"There is no need to call me Mister, Tam. Simply Rollick will suffice." He'd said nothing about it the first time, but didn't want her to make a habit of it. He had no desire to maintain the sort of distance from the refugees that a reliance on titles would foster.

"I have heard much talk of your deeds in the shanty town, arguing for and protecting Sasha. Truly, you did very well, and showed great strength. I am glad you have decided to channel that strength into continuing to help others. Your spirit is admirable."

"I'm afraid my motivations for becoming a warrior were less noble than yours, at least initially. In the kingdom where I lived-- a great distance from here-- the ruler had died, and various members of the royal family were squabbling over who would be the next to sit on the throne. Those who felt they had a claim mustered their armies, and even their peasantry, and made war against one another."

"The rumour in my village was that all able-bodied young men were likely to be conscripted. I had demonstrated some skill that might be applied toward combat, so I enlisted first, thinking I might be able to secure a better position for myself. That was indeed the case. The drafted peasants were generally poorly fed and poorly armed, given little direction and even less training. I was much luckier. My talent was recognized early on. I was trained well, and was told I would have the opportunity to do great things. Perhaps even to attain knighthood one day, in spite of my low birth."

"I was young and naive, my head easily turned by glory in battle and service to king... or would-be king... and country. My opinion quickly soured, though, once I actually saw service. I realized that we did not fight against evil, nor did we fight for good. Nor did our enemies fight for evil or good. The endless battles were based simply on difference of opinion. None of the potential rulers were tyrants, and none were saints. Any of them would have been adequate, and none would have been much different from the previous ruler, or the one before that, or the one before..."

He sighed heavily. "We fought only over politics. Thrones are a silly thing to die over, and utter folly to waste the lives of others to gain for oneself, to no other purpose but one's own glory. That was one reason I left the army as soon as I was free to do so."

"The other reason was the consistent abuse of civilians that was not only tolerated, but encouraged. It was seen as a blow to the competing royal when crops were burned, villages looted, women raped and children murdered. I tried to stop such things where I could, but one man cannot police an entire army, particularly when the leadership is allowing-- or even ordering-- the acts I was trying to stop. I realized I could do more to help civilians fighting to protect them on my own, rather than in service to the regimes that caused their pain in the first place."

"I left the army as soon as I could, and gave up dreams of knighthood to pursue an agenda that was far less politically popular, but I felt more worthy." That had been a difficult dream to give up, and one that occasionally still pricked at him, but it had been the only right option. "I would now and then take a job as a bodyguard so I could afford food and shelter, but I mostly traveled, fighting where I could to protect the oppressed and the downtrodden. There were always more people in need of such protection than any one person can help."

His story stopped there, omitting his time with the Council, not because he didn't wish Tam to know, but simply because it did not seem pertinent to her question. "I suppose you might say that while the army taught me to be a warrior, my decision to fight for the good of others came later, when I realized how much was needed."

He smiled. "But I should not interrupt your training with rambling war stories. If you wish to speak more on the subject of being a warrior, I will be happy to do so, but it should not be at the expense of the training Thetta is giving you. Unless you had more to ask me, I should let you get back to it."

[Falcon Bertille]

Although Rollick didn’t glamorize his answer, Tam listened to him with wide eyes. Rulers warring over a distant kingdom sounded like something from a storybook. She wasn’t exactly envious -- Tam appreciated Marn’s stability, where the death of a Judge only meant the appointment of a new one. But Rollick seemed very exotic to her now.

“Wow, Mister Rollick.” Apparently, Tam’s selective hearing wasn’t limited to Sasha. Or maybe the omission of a title was just too drastic a change for her to make immediately. “Those peasants sure had it rough. I’m glad you decided to help them. Maybe, one day, they can all come live in Marn. The city guards never murder children or burn anyone’s crops, and they only occasionally rape a girl. Things are better here.”

Tam nodded when Rollick began to make his exit. “Thanks for talking with us. But yeah, I guess we better get back to doing what Miss Thetta says.”

Behind Tam, Sasha’s face scrunched in concentration, as if she was desperately trying to think of some further question which might postpone training. But she couldn’t even feign an interest in anyone else. So, before any words left Sasha’s lips, Thetta clapped her hands together once more. “Go fetch your wooden practice swords. We will do some sparring.”

*****

Rosemary glanced furtively around the compound. She’d planned on waiting until Julen was in Shim. Even if he wasn’t within earshot, these were not words she wanted to speak under a roof which sheltered them both. But after last night...after feeling his body outside and inside her own, after seeing the hope in his eyes as her legs wrapped around him, holding him deep while they reached the climax of their pleasure...hope that, maybe, this time would give them the child they both longed for...she had to know. She had to know if her selfishness had destroyed that dream.

Satisfied that Julen was too immersed in practice to notice her whereabouts, Rosemary went in search of Uluki, who she found helping Kaydee clean what had once been a fancy dress. Rosemary thought the garment looked slightly familiar, but her mind had no energy left for devoting to such secondary concerns. Instead of trying to remember where she’d seen it before, Rosemary beckoned to Uluki, drawing her aside.

“Uluki? You know about healing. All sorts of healing...” Rosemary didn’t specify magical healing. In truth, the thought scared her a little. Now that she knew how badly Julen had been hurt, how close to death he’d really come, she felt even more grateful to Uluki for healing him. And she approved of the fairy using her power to help all the poor sick people who arrived at Lightsword Hall seeking shelter. But Rosemary had never expected that she’d request similar aid. Years of hearing about the dangers of magic were not easily cast aside.

However, bits of her recent conversation with Aorle kept coming back to Rosemary. So many times, Julen had been the one to restore damaged bonds, to take the risky jump across any spaces which opened between them. Now it was her turn. She would do this for him. Perhaps nothing would be wrong, and she could wait for the day of their blessing without fearing it might never come. Or perhaps, even if some damage had been done, Uluki could still fix it. Even if the worst proved true...at least she would finally know. She could tell him, and that would be better than having his hopes dashed time after time.

“So, I was wondering...could you examine me?”

[Lylessa Uluki]

Rollick's brow furrowed with worry when Tam compared the city's Guard to the armies of his homeland. So they were rapists, too? What sort of horrible city was this? Yet another reason Uluki must never fall into their hands. Rollick would never let anyone hurt her, if he could prevent it. He only hoped he always could prevent it...

"Things are somewhat better here, yes. But that does not excuse wrongdoing. No woman or girl should ever have to fear being raped. Such a crime is unconscionable, even when committed by an authority figure. Perhaps particularly then."

He did not mean to prolong his interruption, but he felt his position on that needed to be established without doubt. If the refugees were to learn to respect themselves, that it was wrong for them to be hurt, such acts must not be spoken of by those in leadership positions at the compound without definite condemnation of the offenses.

"I hope your training continues to go well. I will speak with you later." With a nod to each of the three of them, he left to tend to his own duties.


***


Uluki smiled cheerfully as Rosemary approached, hoping desperately that she hadn't come to start some sort of confrontation with Kaydee. Uluki was prepared to diffuse such a situation, but Rosemary seemed preoccupied, and drew Uluki herself aside instead. Uluki was filled with worry about her friend as Rosemary spoke.

"Of course. Why don't we go somewhere more private?" Uluki suggested. Not immediately noticing any cuts or broken limbs, Uluki assumed the matter was of a more personal nature, and that Rosemary wouldn't want to discuss it with more people than necessary. "I'll be back in a little while, Kaydee. Dash can help you while I'm gone, if you get stuck on what should be done next."

Once they were alone in one of the building's empty rooms, Uluki took one of Rosemary's hands reassuringly. "I'll do whatever I can to help. I promise. What's wrong?"

Uluki could, in fact, heal Rosemary without being told what she was looking for. If she began channeling healing magic into Rosemary's body, she would find any illness or damage there-- at least, the damage that hadn't already completely healed into scar tissue. But that was an inefficient way to do magic, wasting more energy than was needed. If Rosemary told her what was wrong, the magic could be better focused.

Also, Uluki couldn't help noticing that Rosemary seemed rather on edge. It could be that she was just nervous about the magic, but it could also be related to whatever required examination. Physical healing might not be enough. Emotional healing rarely came from silence.

"Are you sick?" Uluki met Rosemary's gaze steadily, concern showing on her face.

[Falcon Bertille]

“Sick? No...not exactly sick.” Rosemary glanced around the room, as if she expected something to emerge from its shadows. Her grip tightened on Uluki’s hand. “I need to explain.”

Technically, that wasn’t true. Technically, she could describe the suspected injury to Uluki in a few sentences, and be done with it. But the words would reveal an unspoken secret. Since no one else was likely to ever hear it, Rosemary wanted her friend to understand. Drawing a deep breath, she attempted to compose herself, and began her confession.

“My Julen is a good man. Before his marriage, he’d never been intimate with a woman. I don’t think he’d even kissed one.” Rosemary shook her head. Uluki must be wondering what any of this could possibly have to do with healing. But Rosemary was approaching the topic the only way she knew how -- sideways, in little scurrying steps. “His mother died when he was young. His father never talked to him. Not about that, or anything else. So he didn’t know. Didn’t know how it’s supposed to be with a woman, the first time. Didn’t know that his wife wasn’t...unspoiled.”

Rosemary gave Uluki’s hand another squeeze, as if to reassure herself that it was still there, that it hadn’t been yanked from her in a fit of anger or disgust. But of course, Uluki was kinder than that. “I don’t know how much Julen has told you. About me, about my father, about how he wanted to marry me off to the wealthiest man he could find. I was already in love with Julen. But when I found out what my father intended, it made me feel so dirty. I couldn’t even look Julen in the eyes anymore.”

“I decided that if my father was going to sell me, I might as well use my looks to take what I could for myself. I got involved with some rich men from Marn. They gave me pretty trinkets. They gave me ways to escape the loathing I felt inside. For awhile, I managed to convince myself that I was happy.”

“But Shim is a small place. I kept running into Julen.” Rosemary remembered the meeting that finally changed everything. It had been after the funeral for Julen’s father, and Julen had asked her to come sit with him for awhile. How could she refuse? So she’d gone with Julen, and they’d sat across from each other at the kitchen table, in the farm house that now belonged to him alone. Rosemary expected him to speak about his father. Instead, after a long silence, he asked her a stumbling question regarding pottery -- which they both knew he’d never had the slightest interest in. That was when she’d seen it. That was when she’d realized. “He knew about my father. But it didn’t matter to him. He looked at me the same way he always had. Not like a prize, or a treasure to be sold at auction. But like me. Like Rosemary.”

“I broke things off with the other men. I resolved to marry Julen, no matter what my father wished. We entered into a formal courtship. That was when...that was when I discovered I was...”

Rosemary’s head drooped, and her free hand unconsciously moved to rest on her belly. “I knew how important family was to Julen. I knew how much it meant to him, to pass on his blood to another generation. I didn’t think he’d want me, full of another man’s child.” Again, Rosemary shook her head. “Now, I know I was wrong. I know he would have loved me anyway. I know he would have loved the child like it was his own. But then...I thought I was going to lose him. And I couldn’t live with losing him.”

Tears spilled from Rosemary’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered to someone who wasn’t Uluki.

[Lylessa Uluki]

Uluki was surprised by the nervous squeeze Rosemary gave her hand while talking about not being "unspoiled." Did she really expect condemnation for that? Particularly from Uluki, that would be the height of hypocrisy. Once again, the human preoccupation with virginity puzzled her. Dusklings were not encouraged to be promiscuous, but neither was a Duskling necessarily expected to be virginal upon marriage. There were things humans... at least some humans, not all... were so very different about.

Uluki gave Rosemary's hand a comforting squeeze in return, then listened to the rest of what she had to say without interruption. Uluki's sympathy grew by the moment as she imagined what her friend had gone through, and how painful it must have been for her.

Uluki herself had never experienced an unwanted pregnancy. Unexpected, yes. She had believed she was completely infertile, so Martin had been a surprise. And the timing hadn't been at all what they would have planned. Still, once she realized she was pregnant, they'd been happy. So very happy. Uluki could only imagine how horrible it would be to experience emotions that strong, converted to fear and doubt. Her heart ached for Rosemary, and how she must have agonized over the decision.

The fact Rosemary had aborted a child was not at all shocking to Uluki. As a healer, people had occasionally come to Uluki either to repair the damage done in such situations-- and Uluki had helped as best she could, though sometimes restoring fertility was beyond even magic-- or for help terminating an unwanted pregnancy. As long as it was early and the pregnancy had not quickened, Uluki had provided that help. She knew enough herb lore to do so safely. It was not something Uluki enjoyed or felt good about doing, but sometimes you just couldn't have a child. Uluki knew it was a difficult decision, and she did not envy any woman making it, but nor was she willing or able to pass judgment.

When Rosemary had finished speaking, Uluki hugged her impulsively. "I'm so sorry. You must have been so scared. And that has to have been a hard thing to keep a secret."

"I'll try to heal you. It just depends on if there's still damage, or if it's all scars. I had... damage... too, but it scarred and I couldn't fix it all. But I eventually conceived Martin anyway, obviously. So there's definitely a chance."

The damage to Uluki's body had not been from an abortion, and she would answer honestly if Rosemary asked about it. But otherwise it didn't seem relevant, except to offer hope. It might be a small hope, but it was real.

"Did you use an herb or... something else? How far along were you? And have you been having miscarriages since, or not been conceiving at all?" These questions were not from idle curiosity or a desire to pry out details that were none of her business, but rather stemmed from the need to figure out the type, location, and extent of injury.

"Try not to feel bad, alright? If someone waited to marry a person who was whole and unbroken, didn't carry any burdens and had never done anything they regretted, that someone would wait forever, because there's no one in this world who is that perfect. Everyone gets in situations where they don't know what to do, and all the options seem not-good. I'm so very sorry for what you went through, but it doesn't make you a bad person."

"And don't think I'm judging you, or think I'm better than you. I wasn't a virgin when I got married either, and I have plenty of regrets of my own. You haven't shocked me. I just feel bad that you're hurting. I'm glad you decided to talk to me. I'm glad you didn't keep it bottled up forever. I hope talking about it helps it heal."

[Falcon Bertille]

When Uluki hugged her, Rosemary returned the embrace with fierce intensity. She knew how devoted Uluki was to her calling. She knew how much Uluki believed in healing, in life itself, and she’d been afraid that Uluki would condemn her for what she’d done. Maybe the fairy would even refuse to heal her, insisting that an empty womb was a fitting punishment for someone who murdered their own child. But Uluki’s reaction revealed nothing except compassion, and her kindness released a flood of gratitude from Rosemary. Although it hurt to talk about what had happened, to remember those dark times, she felt better for having shared her secret -- like reopening an infected wound, so that some of the dirt, and puss, and poison could finally escape.

Then, aware that she might be hurting the smaller woman, Rosemary loosened her grip. “I...I know it was a bad thing to do. But if you heal me, I swear, I’ll be a good mother. I’ll love my children. I’ll protect them from harm.”

Uluki’s reference to her own scarring surprised Rosemary. Perhaps that explained why she could be so understanding about Rosemary’s situation. “Did you...did you lose a baby, too?”

“I used some herbs,” Rosemary explained, when Uluki pressed for details. She’d calmed a little, and her voice no longer trembled, although her insides seemed to quake. “I don’t know what they were. A woman from the village gave them to me. They tasted bitter. She made them into a drink for me, and I took it into the forest, and...and it was all over after a few hours.”

Rosemary shut her eyes, deliberately blocking out any memory of those hours. Instead, she hastily leaped forward in time, answering the rest of Uluki’s query. “I’ve never miscarried.” At least she’d never subjected Julen to that heartbreak. “But sometimes, I get bad pains. And I bleed when I’m not supposed to...when it’s not my time. I told Julen that’s just how it is for women. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know...”

Rosemary’s eyes snapped open, bright with fear as they fixed on Uluki. “Promise me you won’t ever tell him. He wants a child so badly. If he knew that I killed one, one that we could have raised as ours, he’d never forgive me. Never.”

In principle, Rosemary agreed with Uluki’s reassurances about all people being flawed. She would certainly be the last person to argue that Julen was perfect. Her husband could be stubborn, rash, and frustratingly slow to pick up on things. His heart was a constant battleground between the open vulnerability of his mother and the silent endurance of his father. But she couldn’t imagine that he’d ever done something as harmful as she had.

“Rollick...didn’t mind? That you’d been with someone else before him?” In Shim, chastity was still a prized commodity for women. Perhaps that was part of why she’d thrown it away on those men. To devalue herself, to spite her father’s plans for her. “Or does he not know?”

“On our wedding night... Julen was a farmer, he knew how animals mate. But that’s very different from lying with your wife. I didn’t want him to guess. So I pretended that I didn’t know any more than he did. He was so gentle and patient with me. He kept asking me: Do you like it when I touch you here? Does it feel good when I kiss you there? He thought we were discovering everything together. If he found out...if he found out that it was all a lie, it would break his heart.”

[Lylessa Uluki]

"I know you'll be a good mother, Rosemary. I know it. The only 'if' about whether I heal you or not is whether it will work. I'm going to try. I'm going to try and hope it works, because I know how well you would love and protect your babies."

Uluki shook her head when Rosemary asked if she'd lost a child. "No. I got sick when I was younger." It would be easy to leave it at that. To make it sound like some tragic twist of fate that had nothing to do with her own actions. But that wasn't true, and she didn't like lying, even by implication. "The kind of disease you get from having sex. Not from Rollick. A long time before I even met him. I was engaged to someone. I only slept with the man I was engaged to, but he slept with a lot of other women. I knew he wasn't faithful, but I didn't figure out about the disease till after he'd already left me. I healed myself, but... not soon enough."

Not before it had done permanent damage to her fertility. She felt bad about that, bad that her past illness combined with damage she had sustained giving birth meant that she would probably never be able to give Rollick another child. Rollick didn't mind. The obstructed labour during Martin's delivery had made Rollick afraid of losing both wife and baby, and he didn't want to take that risk again. Uluki was willing to try, and would have liked to carry another child someday, but could accept it would probably never happen.

Deciding she had explained sufficiently, she returned to the topic of Rosemary's difficulties. "Sometimes the herbs cause problems. Especially when there's no magic if something goes wrong. I'm sure it's very painful, but the fact there's still bleeding sometimes makes me hopeful it can still be fixed."

"I won't tell Julen," Uluki assured her. "Telling him isn't my place. This is between the two of you. But I think you should. I think if you don't, it will put a strain on your marriage. Remember when Julen wouldn't tell you things, how bad you felt? Like you were left out, like he had gone someplace you could never go? Your own secret will be no different for him. I think your marriage will choke and wither if you can't be honest about things. Especially things that hurt you. Insistence on carrying a burden alone is a burden to the person who loves you."

"I think Julen will understand. I think he'll be sad for you and want to comfort you, but I don't think he'll be mad. He loves you so very much. He won't stop because of this."

"Rollick knows. He knows he wasn't my first, and why it was so hard for us to make a baby." She looked down, absently twisting her wedding ring. "I made sure he knew everything about me that might make him not want me. I thought... I was sure he would reject me, and I wanted it to happen before I got too attached. It would hurt less that way, than if I was completely bonded with him. I didn't think that once he really saw me, really saw my scars, he would do anything but walk away."

She looked up again, meeting Rosemary's eyes. "I underestimated him. I underestimated his heart, and his capacity to care about me. Rollick said he wanted me because I was me. He was sad that I'd been hurt, but the fact I wasn't a virgin didn't make any difference in how much he loved me. I think it will be the same for Julen, if he knows the truth."

"I know telling Julen will be very, very hard. And this will be hard for him to hear. But don't underestimate him. He loves you, and nothing is going to change that. Certainly not seeing your scars. I think it'll be much better in the long run if you're honest with him."

She shrugged. "But whatever you decide, you still need to be healed." Uluki laid her hand lightly on Rosemary's abdomen, the fabric of the dress being no impediment to magic. A soft warmth spread from Uluki's fingers as she gently sought out damage. That damage was harsh and glaring, and stood out from the healthy tissue like blood on snow. Uluki's forehead wrinkled slightly in concentration as she directed her magic, healing all the injury she could perceive. A few moments later, she was finished.

"I... um... I think it worked. I healed everything I could find. There was a lot of damage, but I think... I think it's all fixed. I think you should be able to conceive now."

[Falcon Bertille]

“I’m so sorry.” Rosemary placed a sympathetic hand on Uluki’s arm when Uluki spoke about the disease she’d caught from her former fiancé. “It’s terrible that you suffered because of what he did.” Rosemary knew how lucky she was to have escaped that sort of illness. Back then, she’d told herself she was safe -- rich men didn’t lower themselves to sex with back alley whores. Now, older and wiser, she knew how wrong she’d been. Plenty of rich men got their kicks by exploiting women with nothing to sell but their bodies. And, to her shame, plenty of rich men considered her to be in roughly the same category as those back alley whores.

Then, the topic turned to telling Julen, and Rosemary began fidgeting, obsessively smoothing the wrinkles in her dress. She wasn’t afraid that he would leave her. She wasn’t even afraid that he would stop loving her. He was too loyal and good to do either of those things. But what if the resentment never left his eyes? What if every time he looked at her, he blamed her for the life they could have lived, if she hadn’t been selfish and scared?

In the end, however, Rosemary knew that Uluki was right. She’d felt terrible when Julen wouldn’t talk to her about what had happened with Snyde, when he refused to share his pain and doubts. She remembered her panic as she sensed him slipping away from her. She could never do the same thing to him.

“I guess...I guess we both married pretty good men,” Rosemary murmured, heartened by Uluki’s description of the unconditional acceptance she’d received from Rollick. “I will tell Julen. I’ll trust his heart to understand.”

When Uluki placed her hand on Rosemary’s abdomen, Rosemary couldn’t keep from flinching. Julen had told her that being healed with magic didn’t hurt. But Rosemary knew her husband -- he wasn’t the sort who whined about things he couldn’t change. Not when he worked from dawn until well past dusk, not when they had to go without so much, not even when he was forced to leave her and live in the city he loathed. He certainly wasn’t going to start complaining just because having his injuries taken away stung a little. So, Rosemary braced herself for a certain amount of discomfort.

However, all she felt was warmth flowing into her flesh, relaxing and soothing all it touched. Occasionally, a slight tingling also tickled her senses. Rosemary blushed as the sensations reminded her of other pleasures she’d experienced in that region. But she didn’t feel violated. Healing was a good act, a gentle and intimate gift. She’d been wrong to fear it.

Then, Uluki withdrew her hand, and made her hopeful pronouncement.

“Really? I’m...I’m really fixed now?” Again, Rosemary enfolded Uluki in her arms, dampening the duskling’s skin with grateful tears. “Thank you so much! You saved Julen’s life. And now you’ve made it so our dearest dream can come true. Angels must have sent you to us.”

[Lylessa Uluki]

Uluki was grateful for Rosemary's sympathy, and smiled at her. "It's alright. Thanks for understanding, but it's better now. I'm not sad. There are things I wish I'd done differently, but I'm very happy with Rollick, and our children. I wouldn't change anything if it meant I couldn't be with them. My life is good now. So very good."

"We did marry good men," Uluki agreed. "I think you're doing the right thing, telling him. It'll be hard at the time, but I think you'll be glad you did."

Uluki couldn't imagine how Julen-- or any decent person-- could react with anything but sympathy to Rosemary's obvious pain. Regardless of what Julen thought of Rosemary's decision not to carry her pregnancy to term, Uluki couldn't conceive of him wanting to add to her suffering in any way. He would understand, Uluki was sure of it, and their marriage would be stronger for the honesty.

"Yes, I do think it's fixed," Uluki replied after healing Rosemary, and then she was startled-- pleasantly startled-- to be wrapped in a hug. Feeling the tears, Uluki gently rubbed Rosemary's back in a soothing way. Uluki was glad to have been able to help, and Rosemary's gratitude, while not necessary, made Uluki feel good inside. Appreciated.

Her heart clenched for a moment, though she was careful not to tense her body or change the motion of her hands, when Rosemary spoke of an angel sending her to them. It seemed blasphemous to consider the possibility she was some sort of angelic gift. Hadn't she just let Rosemary see how dirty and scarred she was? An angel wouldn't send something so damaged, and Uluki wondered if the angel would be mad that the idea had been suggested. She might even smite Uluki to prove just how wrong Rosemary was.

When the moment passed with no smiting, without even any sort of angelic voice of disagreement, Uluki concluded that Amaranda's attention was elsewhere, and she wasn't aware of what was being said of her angel kin. Amaranda hadn't done any smiting when Uluki had healed people and pretended it was from the angel, either...

Amaranda probably didn't know Uluki existed at all! That was a deeply reassuring thought. Uluki's heart relaxed again.

"You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. I'm sorry you had to be hurt and scared for so long. And... thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy, but it's good you didn't keep it hidden forever. I'm grateful you trusted me enough to share something like this with me."

[Lylessa Uluki]

After receiving yet more heartfelt thanks from Rosemary, then exchanging goodbyes, Uluki left to find Kaydee and get back to work... but she decided to make a stop first.

She found Rollick downstairs in one of the storerooms, inspecting some of the equipment that was spare but ready for use. A few refugees were helping him, and all but one of them looked up as Uluki approached. Most glances were friendly, but Mamie glared at her... and Vernon seemed not to notice her at all. He was too busy shooting dirty looks at Rollick-- looks which Rollick was deliberately and pointedly ignoring.

The grey-haired warrior smiled as Uluki approached, clearly glad to see her, but she could see tension in his forehead and jaw, which suggested he was worried about something. He stepped away from the others, not leaving the room or completely out of earshot, but simply closer to Uluki so he could converse with her more easily, and as long as they spoke softly, they could have relative privacy.

"Is everything alright, love?" Uluki asked, concerned by his apparent unease.

Rollick felt he ought to warn her of the new information he'd learned about the Guards, but it would need to wait. He didn't want to say something in front of the refugees-- particularly this group, which included a couple of people he outright didn't trust-- that indicated Uluki had anything to fear from the Judges and their enforcers. It would be best not to give anyone any ideas about ways to make life difficult. In the meantime she seemed fine, and was in no immediate danger of being dragged off to be tortured by the city authorities or raped by a randy Guard. "No pressing problems. There is a matter we should speak of later, privately, but you needn't worry over it. Were you looking for me?"

Uluki nodded. "Yes, but not because of anything bad. I just wanted to say I love you, and thanks for being so nice to me. Thanks for loving me no matter what. Thanks for letting me stay for always, and never making me go away. That's all I wanted to say. Just... that I love you."

She'd felt the need to find him and tell him that, however inadequately, after her conversation with Rosemary. Rollick was a wonderful man, and a wonderful husband. He'd loved her through even the worst of times. He'd kissed her physical scars, and soothed the invisible ones in her mind and spirit. He treasured her body no less than he would have an unspoiled and virginal one. Rollick had never shown anything less than love and acceptance. He had healed her, and every single day with him was healing her more. Uluki had no doubt that he had been sent by angels.

Rollick took her hands and drew her close. "You're easy to love. And of course I want you to stay. I need you. You make me happy. Thank you for accepting me, as well. I adore you."

Rollick was very accustomed to randomly-timed declarations of love from Uluki. He found it quite endearing. Rather than push her to explain what had prompted her outpouring, he kissed her, sedately enough that it wouldn't make the others in the room uncomfortable, but with obvious affection.

Mamie watched their kiss with undisguised disgust, and Vernon rolled his eyes. Uluki and Rollick ignored them both. Uluki gave Rollick's hands a final squeeze, then stepped away. "I'll see you later."

[Angatdan]

There was no attachment to the newer priest to bind her to his presence. He would serve his purpose in his own way, and she was left to drift. Her warrior knew the task; her priest knew the task. The god would not coddle them. If they failed, she would lie dormant and wait to be reawakened. Mortals came and went as the passing of the sun of moon; it was a constant that would never change. Even if they succeeded, they would eventually die and pass on their service to more mortals, who would also die and pass on their legacy from generation to generation.

She did not expect the grandeur she'd had so long ago with the civilization she'd helped to build. The years had passed too long for this to be a possibility. But there was no god who did not crave worship and affirmation. It was woven into their very core, something which they relied upon to take on their fullest power and become what their worshipers desired most of all.

The god in mortal form. Cutting a swath across the globe, striking down all those which opposed it. These desires were housed in the heart of every worshiper. To see their god among them rather than above them. To live vicariously through their idol's actions. To be the right hand of the devil, safe from the god's wrath and delighting in the carnage just the same.

It was a silly mortal desire. Gods rarely came down among men to guide their paths. The most impressionable day in a mortal's life - the day the god came down to them and whispered into their head its desires - was but a mote of time's dust in the god's eyes. This was where the stories came from, the need for divine contact to diminish the ordinary that overtook every mortal's life. This was where the legacies began; with a mortal need for divine intervention.

She could feel its taint.

Somewhere near, somewhere mortal, a god had laid its hand. She could feel it within her tendrils as thoroughly as she could feel her own power. The sacrifices the priest had offered, done in the proper manner, had more than replenished her. Her girth grew and shifted and flexed until her form spread for a far more vast expanse than one mortal body could house.

She was older and stronger than the one she sensed. Its powers faded and musked by the scent of mortality. She pitied its existence, to be housed within a weaker vessel. She followed the calling she heard, driven by a simple need to know what had happened to her kin. Once, a god's voice had screamed and shrieked for release. She wanted to grant this release, should it be needed. She felt she had this ability.

Her presence entered the building with the slow descent of hazy drizzle. The ceiling and walls meant nothing to her as she moved down, shifting herself around the atoms to allow herself to drift farther. If a kiss was happening, she did not know. She could not see. She was only drawn to one body, and this she let her longest tendrils touch and caress, running through the flesh to the sinew and bones beneath. Searching.

Little Brother, where are you?

She could feel the god's pieces, remnants within the mortal vessel. It was inside of this form. She would find it. Her tendrils seeped lower, digging deeper into the layers of tissue.

Little Brother, come out. Speak with me.

[Lylessa Uluki]

"No, wait, Uluki..." Something crossed Rollick's face, a spasm of emotion. Doubt? Maybe fear? Uluki couldn't tell. "Do you feel that? Do you hear it?"

"What?" Uluki strained her ears, but couldn't hear anything. She thought she might feel something, like a door opened suddenly in the dead of winter, letting in cold air... or maybe it was just the power of suggestion. Maybe she was reacting to Rollick's emotion, not something real. "Rollick, what's going on?"

But the confusion on Rollick's face told her he didn't know either. "A voice. It's... whispering. But it's faint. I can't quite make it out."

"Rollick, I'm sorry, but I don't hear..."

"I can understand it now. The voice is saying..." His body stiffened. "Uluki, run! Take them and go!"

"What is it?"

"It's happening again, Uluki. I don't know what this is, but it's... it's trying to get in. I can't stop it. I can't..."

Uluki felt like her heart had stopped. "No..." she whispered, not a contradiction-- more like a plea. They couldn't do this again. He couldn't suffer through that again. What if this time he couldn't be saved? She'd almost lost him once; she wouldn't lose him again.

"Run!" His voice was growing more frantic.

"No." Her own voice was suddenly calm. "Go!" she instructed the refugees, not pausing to see if they obeyed her instructions. Instead, they simply stared at the couple, wide-eyed. "I'm staying," Uluki said firmly. She wasn't going to leave him to face this alone. Not while there was even the slightest chance she could help.

Rollick's hands clutched spasmodically at his chest, as though trying to ward the entity away from his core. "Get away from me!" he shouted, addressing the unseen being. "I'm not your little brother!"

[Angatdan]

Mortal words. Mortal begging. It didn't want her inside, but she ignored it to search further. And further.

Where are you. I feel you but I cannot see you. This mortal's shell confines you. Come out, Little Brother, and I shall release you.

The god was not there. She became angry. Was it happy with this shell? This mortal's corpse which would fade to bitter ash within a blink of the god's eye?

It made no sense. Surely a god would not want the existence of a human. Her tendrils vibrated with her fury and she plunged more into the human chest, past the heart and spine, impaling him upon her essence. Her tentacles expanded and encompassed the figure, racing through and touching upon every cell and molecule, every element that formed the male figure she explored.

She delved deeper, forcing his body open to her search. The surfaces expanded under her raking touch to bursting and her own pressure met this push back, holding him from disintegrating under her efforts. She searched every pore, every nook and cranny of his body. She dove into the farthest depths and raked her tendril claws across his bone structure.

Nothing, nothing. There was no god here. Only its droppings.

Disgusted, she wrenched herself back from the creature and flailed the pieces of her that had been inside of him, sloughing off any mortal essence she might have taken on. This mortal was useless to her. He had nothing to give.

But where had the god come from? She could not force the mind to give her what she wished to know. She would need to force him to show her.

She gathered her longest pieces and culminated. Every piece of her came together to begin taking form. She had expended energy and effort in her scan of this mortal; she would need to conserve what she had left. Taking her own shape would be too costly. There was a simple solution.

Her eyes alone took full shape, black and dead. Now she could see his strain, his features, but she did not care to interpret what she saw. The spark of light within her black depths neither shifted nor twinkled; there were no stars in the god's eyes.

Look upon me and see me as you will.

This vessel would choose as he saw fit, and she would be thus.

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

He couldn't keep it out.

It was too strong. Rollick's mind rebelled every inch of the way, but there was nothing he could do. No way to stop the violation of mind and body.

Again.

It was better that it was him. For a few horrific seconds he'd been afraid the same thing was happening to the others. He'd even moved to try to shield Uluki and the refugees, though he knew it wouldn't make any difference. Then he heard it question him, felt it search him, and he knew what it had come for. His only comfort as it plunged into him was that it wasn't hurting Uluki. He did his best to shut it out of his mind, to deny it the information it sought, even as his body was helpless against it.

Like before. It would take the body, but it couldn't have the mind. At least not wholly.

This was a rape. Though not at all sexual, it was a violation of the core of his being. A penetration of his body and mind without his consent. The fact it wasn't the first such rape he had experienced made it harder, not easier. The memories only compounded the agony, increased the turmoil in his mind. Another invasion of self...

Could nothing simply remain his?

Must his own body and mind betray him again and again at the whim of another?

Where was his strength when he needed it? Where was his resolve? Why couldn't he protect other people... or even himself... when it really counted?

The pain intensified. No longer just the pain of the forced intrusion. He felt as though shards of bone were being shoved into his chest, into his back... then every bit of him. Every cell. Every breath he drew was agony. He wondered if he was going to die. If this thing was going to tear him apart. Even his bones ached, and his insides felt like fire as the thing kept pushing, tearing. Thousands of flashes of blinding pain. Thousands of tiny violations as it exposed and invaded him.

Then it was over. It pulled back, out of him. Left him reeling, off balance, gasping, ragged breaths filling his aching lungs with air. He felt a mixture of relief that it was over, that he had survived, and horror that it had happened at all.

Again.

At least this one hadn't stayed. Hadn't occupied him for months. Hadn't made his body its unholy sanctuary, desecrating him daily with its presence while he fought to stay whole and sane. Fought to keep his sense of self.

This time his Self wasn't in danger. But everything else was, and it hurt. Gods, it hurt so much.

He fell to his knees, unable to stand anymore. No reverence, not for this monster, he was simply too tired, too weakened to remain upright. Not worth the struggle of getting back to his feet; he needed to conserve his strength. He still might have to fight to protect Uluki and the refugees.

Rollick felt dirty, stained, tainted. Every cell of his body corrupted by evil hands.

He looked up at the creature and tried to keep his thoughts neutral, but it didn't work. The sensations were too similar, and his body remembered. The memories flowed back, unbidden, unwanted, inescapable.

They flickered like lamplight, one after the other. The faces of innocents killed by his hand, but not by his will. Those who had been murdered by the god inside him when he was first invaded, before he was able to gain the slightest measure of control. He'd only been able to watch as his blade sliced into flesh and cleaved bone, and his hands reddened with blood. No, not able to watch, even. More like unable to stop watching.

They were before him now, every one of them, image after image painted on the canvas of the creature before him. They bled from the wounds his damnable traitor body had given them. Their eyes accused him.

Murderer.

He had no way to refute the charge.

Suddenly he was aware of Uluki kneeling by him, clinging to him, calling his name over and over. Her eyes full of tears. He could only think of one thing to tell her, the same thing he'd told her so many times when the evil creature had possession of him. The one thing that had seemed to bring her any comfort. He croaked it out, his voice barely audible.

"I'm still here."