Bargains

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

Rollick said nothing until Julen was finished speaking, not wanting to interrupt. After he had said his piece, Julen seemed to be waiting for something. Rollick wasn’t sure what. Did he expect Rollick to chastise him like a disobedient schoolboy? Both Julen and Kaydee were too old and too independent for such treatment, regardless of how Rollick felt about their actions. Rollick felt neither the need nor the responsibility to pass judgment. The responsibility to advise, however, weighed heavily on him.

“What happened is, I think, understandable. You and Kaydee have indeed been through a great deal together, and you have given her ample reason to admire you. It is not surprising that she took such an action, or that you… found yourself reacting in a way that you have since come to regret.”

He paused for a moment. He’d been sure of that part, but the next was going out a bit more on a limb, since he’d already admitted he didn’t have a similar experience of his own to draw on.

“But the fact that it is understandable does not mean that it should be encouraged, or that it can continue. As I’m sure you are painfully reminded every time you consider what happened, you are a married man. You have made vows to Rosemary. And as far as I know, although things are difficult between you, she has not done any act of cruelty that would nullify those vows. So I cannot condone the breaking of your marriage.”

Rollick looked down at his hands, hoping his next words would not offend. Hoping he hadn’t already offended.

“I would also caution you strongly about pursuing a relationship with Kaydee specifically. She is a sweet girl, very kind and thoughtful to others, and I do not wish to speak ill of her. But she has also only recently escaped the sort of life that prepares one only to fight for survival, not to form a healthy relationship with another person. She will learn that in time, when she has fully realized she no longer needs to live in fear. In the meantime, I think she needs simply to heal. And that is something I would speak to her face, not only behind her back.”

“What I would say only to you, though, is that hero worship is a weak foundation upon which to build a relationship. I have no doubt that it feels good now, but I do not believe it can be sustained. How would it feel five years from now? Ten? I suspect you would be exhausted from living up to her expectations, and she would be entirely disillusioned, because though you are a very good man, you are still human, and no human can maintain a standard of perfection. I think we all need someone who can love us at our worst, not only at our best. Because we cannot always be at our best. None of us can. I think a relationship must be more mutual than what you describe between you and Kaydee. A relationship must consist of equal partners.”

“Which, I think, you already have with Rosemary. I think that you must talk to her. You should tell her the truth, so you can be as open with her as you are with Kaydee. Yes, it will hurt her to hear of your suffering. It will hurt deeply, and then it will be over. But this divide, this secret standing between you, must cause her an ache that doesn’t fade. Either way, there is pain. There is always pain in truly loving someone, truly feeling for them, bearing their hurts as your own. I believe that sharing your pain will, in the long run, lessen hers, rather than increasing it. Pain one must bear alone, without comfort from another, is the worst sort of agony.”

Rollick finished somewhat hesitantly, “So… that is what I think. Do with it what you will.”

[Julen]

When Rollick didn’t strike him, Julen gradually relaxed. Every word spoken by the elder warrior resounded with truth. It felt as if he was giving voice to things Julen already knew, but which the sensible part of Julen’s brain hadn’t managed to make audible amidst the cacophony of guilt and desire. After Rollick finished, Julen was silent for a moment, considering all that had been said. Then, he nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re right. Rosemary has done nothing to deserve being betrayed. The other night, when I stood before Aorle and all the Lightswords, I told them that the promises I made to my wife would always come first, even before any promises I made to my lord. I need to remember those words. Breaking my marriage vows would not only be a cruel blow to Rosemary, but also an insult to people I respect.”

“And, ultimately, it would harm Kaydee. Entering into a relationship with her might bring her some temporary happiness, but no true healing. And even that happiness would be outweighed by a great deal of pain later on. I’ll speak to her -- I’ll tell her what I should have told her last night. Hearing the truth will hurt. However, it will hurt less to hear it now than after things have become more tangled.”

Julen turned from the pulpit and met Rollick’s gaze for the first time since he’d broached the subject of his feelings for Kaydee. “I know I can count on you and Uluki to show her extra kindness over the next few days. And keep a watchful eye on her. She’s survived a great deal, but sometimes a broken heart hurts worse than any amount of beatings.” Julen couldn’t bring himself to directly address his fear that Kaydee might try to kill herself. But he hoped that Rollick would understand.

Rollick’s final bit of advice was the hardest to accept. Julen still felt reluctant to torment Rosemary with the grim truth about his encounter with Snyde. He could imagine her reaction so clearly -- hands clutching at her skirt to keep from trembling, eyes filling with tears. But Rollick was right. This secret was killing them. During their fight, Rosemary had accused him of not having faith in her strength, and maybe her words were justified. She was his partner. His equal. If he could carry the weight of this, so could she.

“I’ll speak to Rosemary, as well. It won’t be an easy conversation. But we should have had it long ago.”

Julen gave one final glance around the building. “This seems like a good site for our plan. What do you think?”

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

Rollick nodded his willingness to show Kaydee support, and he knew he could speak for Uluki, that she would do the same. He did, however, have one caution for Julen. “We will, of course, do everything we can for Kaydee. I know this will be painful for her… though you are right that it is necessary, and that it will hurt far less now than if the situation were dragged out. It is possible, though, that Kaydee will react by blaming Uluki and me, thinking we have sabotaged her plans. She may feel that it is our persuasion of you causing her unhappiness. If this is the case, our comfort likely will not be welcome. We will do what we can to help her, though. We will offer our comfort even if she chooses not to accept it. If nothing else, she should realize Dash is on her side, and Dash too will support her regardless of the circumstances.”

Rollick recognized how hard Julen found it to accept the idea of telling Rosemary of his ordeal, but that Julen also understood the necessity of it, so there was no need to belabour the point. Instead, he simply said, “I think you are making the right choice, to be honest with her.”

He surveyed the space again when Julen asked if the building seemed suitable, and after a moment’s contemplation, he nodded. “It seems structurally sound, and the space is ideal for the sort of… performance… we need to stage. I also think that the room’s simplicity is to our advantage. We will need to find and secure the exits when the time comes, but there are few places to hide here. Our cover story accounts for all of our people, so we need no such places of concealment, while Panterras will not be able to hide any of his, nor will he be able to find a covert spot in which to work magic. Yes, I think this place will do well.”

Rollick had a momentary flicker of doubt, not about the potential utility of the building— that was clear— but because it had been a church. Though Rollick didn’t consider himself a religious man, an act of violence in an area that had once been considered holy struck him as rather blasphemous, just in a general sense, even though he had no idea to which god the building was dedicated. He brushed that feeling aside, though. Those who had revered the place had left, and now the building was just a building. It wasn’t things that were sacred. Besides, for all he knew this temple could have been dedicated to a god of slaughter. It was too late for such concerns.

Seeming to have reached an agreement with Julen on the matter, Rollick glanced around the room, making sure all the exits were accounted for. There was the main door they had come in, another door at the far end of the room that presumably gave access to the rest of the building, and a smaller door near the raised pulpit, likely meant for the convenience of the priests or equivalent. Rollick could see no other ways into or out of the room, which was good. That limited the number of possible surprises, and surprises were not to be desired.

“Perhaps we should turn over a few of the pews? Set them right?” Rollick suggested, though his reasons were purely pragmatic. Upright, they provided more cover. Cover Uluki, Dash, and Soubrette might need.

As Rollick wedged his hand under the edge of one of the heavy wooden pews and lifted, his mind returned to something Julen had said earlier. It was a rather personal matter, but surely no more personal than any of the other subjects they had discussed. “You mentioned a nightmare, Julen? I’ve suffered from them myself, so I am no stranger to them, and I wondered if there was something you were concerned about? Something bothering you?”

[Julen]

Hearing Rollick’s speculation about who Kaydee might blame, Julen’s initial reaction was confusion, followed by concern that he’d been about to do something wrong. “I hadn’t planned on telling Kaydee that I discussed the matter with you,” Julen confessed. “Not because I want to take credit for your wisdom, which was generously given and humbly received. But because I thought my decision would carry more weight if it seemed to be something that I reached on my own. As you pointed out, advice could be confused with coercion, and Kaydee might decide she needs to fight your interference by stepping up her own efforts. I would...I would really prefer it if that didn’t happen.”

“Unfortunately, you’d be forced to keep a secret from her. I don’t know how you feel about that. If it’s something you’re not willing to do, I understand. Or, if you feel that I should tell her for some other reason, then I’d like to know.” Julen spread his hands, indicating his openness to any opinions Rollick might express. “Obviously, I’m not thinking clearly about the subject.”

After giving Rollick enough time to say whatever he wanted to say about Kaydee, Julen helped him return the first pew to its upright position. The idea of spilling blood in a church didn’t particularly bother Julen. Gardens were sacred, giving physical and spiritual sustenance to all who visited them. Family homes were sacred, providing shelter for the lives that joined and grew within them. Churches were just places where people went to be scolded for their mistakes. The holiest man Julen had ever met was not a priest. The only angel he’d ever seen had not appeared in a cathedral.

Rollick’s question about nightmares jolted Julen from his thoughts. “You were in my most recent one,” Julen admitted. “I dreamed that I faced you on the battlefield, only you wore a helm that hid your features, so I didn’t know it was you. We fought. I struck you down. Then Dash and Zee appeared, asking me why I’d killed their papa.” Julen winced at the memory. “Uluki was there too, screaming at me, telling me that she wished she’d let me die.”

“It’s because of Callie...because I might have been the one who killed her husband. I know that I did the only thing I could do. It was the thick of battle, and I needed to protect my comrades. There wasn’t time for my opponents to fill out a quick questionnaire regarding their domestic status. And, as it turns out, the man was a sadistic bastard. But still, he was also a woman’s husband. He was a child’s father.”

Julen got a grip on the next pew, staring at its aged wood instead of Rollick. He was sure that the elder warrior must think he was being weak, or foolish, and he didn’t want to see the condemnation in Rollick’s eyes. “I don’t know why it gets under my skin so much. Aorle hasn’t led us in a single unjust battle. Mercenaries who wanted to rape Rosemary, deserters who attacked us because of a few richly-deserved insults, men who made their living by exploiting helpless women. There aren’t any shades of grey there. I can’t imagine a good person taking the opposing side in any of those conflicts. Yet, every time my share of the plunder is a piece of jewelry, I wonder who gave it to the man I just killed. I wonder who I’ve left widowed, or orphaned, or grieving.”

“Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to lose a parent. Maybe it’s because I can imagine what it would be like for Rosemary to lose me.” Julen grunted as he began to pull the pew back upright. “Or maybe I just want things to be more clear-cut than they’re ever going to be.”

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

“Kaydee need not be told of our discussion of this matter,” Rollick agreed. “My advice is simply advice, and your decisions are your own. You have made up your own mind. However, Kaydee will surely realize that we were working together today, and that we likely spoke. Uluki has made clear her position on marriage when Kaydee asked, and Kaydee may assume, correctly, that my views are similar. Because of the timing, she may feel I have influenced you, or that Uluki has. If she is sad and hurting and looking to place blame to ease her heartsickness, we are the most logical target. It will pass, and it is not a matter of great concern. But she may not be thrilled with us at the moment.”

“I will not lie to Kaydee and pretend we worked in silence today, but nor do I feel the need to tell her the details of a personal conversation between you and me. As far as I am concerned, what we have spoken here is private. And I see no reason for you to discuss any views but your own and hers when you broach the subject. The matter is, after all, between the two of you. Uluki and I, for our part, will provide her what care and support we can, and make sure she doesn’t… succumb to her emotions.”

Rollick’s face blanched when Julen mentioned that Rollick had been present in the nightmare. It was oddly reassuring to find out he had played the role of the victim, rather than that of the villain. Rollick knew that, because of the god that had possessed him, he had likely been a frightening figure in the nightmares of many good people— something he had never quite reconciled himself to. Hearing that he had instead been the one who died in Julen’s dream was a strange relief.

“It sounds like a disturbing dream, but happily one that is unlikely ever to come true,” Rollick said with a smile. “I can’t think of a circumstance in which we would ever face one another on the battlefield as enemies. And I can’t imagine Uluki wishing you dead.”

His face became more serious. “I understand your dilemma, however, and it is one I have wrestled with myself. It must be especially difficult for you, since it is a new feeling, and something you likely never expected you’d have to consider. I have been a warrior for most of my life, so I have known nothing different. Even so, I have a heart. I cannot simply dismiss the suffering of others, especially when I am the cause. So it is something I have given much thought to.” And indeed, there was empathy in his voice as he said it. Julen was not alone in his worries.

“As you say, people can commit great cruelties, and still love and be loved by others. The loss of a loved one is never to be taken lightly. Killing someone… is never to be taken lightly either. When I fight, I do not try to forget that my enemies have loved ones. On the contrary, I do my best to remember it. I weigh their loss against the necessity of violence. If the loss of the person is the greater evil, they do not deserve to die, and I must stay my hand. If, however, killing them is necessary, I accept the fight as my duty, and do all I can to win it. If there is need, and so far as it is possible, I also consider it my responsibility to help provide for those left behind, so they do not suffer unduly because of my actions… however right or necessary those actions might be.”

“Still, it is not an easy thing. For one thing, I know that my judgments are not always right. There are things in my life that I regret. Not acts of evil, or even acts done with malicious intent, but times when I feel my decisions were incorrect, or I was not sufficient to the task before me.”

The images flashed through his mind. A knight who shouldn’t have died, and who in fact had for years been Rollick’s own mentor, but who had apparently attacked without provocation; Rollick hadn’t figured out till later what was going on. The battle that had almost killed Uluki, the only battle Rollick could honestly say he was glad about having lost. The moment the evil god had first possessed him, before he had gained any measure of control, and he had watched helplessly as his body was used to slaughter innocent people, so many people…

“I don’t think things ever become more clear-cut,” Rollick said gently, not wanting to be depressing, but trying to be as honest as possible. “I think we just learn to accept the ambiguities, and so far as we can, do what we feel is right. It is something to be mindful of, but not to dwell on.”

[Julen]

Julen nodded his agreement with everything Rollick said about Kaydee. It was unfortunate that Kaydee might direct her anger at two people who cared so much for her, who treated her like one of their own daughters. Julen felt bad about being the cause of discord in the fledgling family. But, as Rollick had pointed out, at least Kaydee would have Dash to comfort her. A friend her own age could do much to get her through this. And hopefully, in time, Kaydee would realize that Rollick and Uluki had only done what they believed would be best for everyone.

You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Julen’s father had always said that, when something potentially hurtful needed to be done. And, while Julen didn’t deny the statement’s truth, he always thought it must provide precious little comfort if you happened to be one of the eggs.

Then, talk turned to the nightmare, and all that had caused it. Julen was relieved that Rollick didn’t condemn him for his concerns. Instead, the elder warrior appeared to share them. “I thought I was the only one who felt this way,” Julen confessed. “The others seem so sure of themselves. Especially Aorle. He’s like the blade of a knife. When he divides good from evil, it’s the cleanest cut anyone could make. But every time I try to do the same thing, it gets messy.” Julen gave a small, helpless shrug. “Maybe if I could hear echoes, it would be different. Although, even then, I wonder. I am not Angelsworn. I am just a man -- a man who has lashed out in anger against his friend, a man who has kissed someone who wasn’t his wife. I feel unfit to pass judgment on others.”

“You’re quite right. I expected to live my entire life without ever killing anyone. And, while you and Aorle have done an excellent job of training me, I still feel very new to this. Perhaps it’s easier to train the body than to train the mind. There are so many doubts. What if I kill this man, when he could have repented and done good? What if I spare this man, and goes on to harm others?”

“I guess it’s the price we pay,” Julen conceded. “When our ability to do good increases, so does the magnitude of our potential mistakes. While I was a farmer, if I misjudged the quality of a seed, then one less plant would sprout from my field. Now that I’m a warrior, if I misjudge the quality of a man, then tragedy results. It’s an uncomfortable responsibility. But a necessary one. As you say, we need to find a balance. To forget the humanity of our opponents is become monsters. However, dwelling on it too much prevents us from taking needed action.”

After the last overturned pew had been righted, Julen brushed the dust from his hands. And, suddenly aware of the way he’d been dominating their conversation, he glanced over at Rollick. “You mentioned that you also have nightmares? Is there something troubling you that you’d like to discuss? I doubt I’ll be able to match the wisdom of your counsel, but sometimes just talking about such things helps a little.”

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

Rollick listened as Julen spoke of the certainty shown by Aorle and the other warriors, but could do little more than once again nod understanding and agreement. Part of it, Rollick suspected, was that on the battlefield one could not appear uncertain. One could not appear hesitant, even as one’s mind weighed important decisions in the blink of an eye. It was a habit that could have a tendency to carry over into the rest of life. The fact the Lightswords did not tell Julen of their doubts did not necessarily mean they didn’t have any. Perhaps they simply kept their own counsel. Or alternatively, perhaps they considered it their leader’s responsibility instead of their own.

Aorle, on the other hand, probably really was that certain, but it was a certainty that Rollick and Julen, both completely human, likely could never experience themselves, not sharing Aorle’s celestial nature. The Echoes must help, too. If Rollick had that ability, he never would have engaged Uluki and her friends in combat when he was a Council member. At least, he hoped he wouldn’t have. But his judgment still would have been human and thus open to error…

Rollick decided it was best not to second-guess decisions that couldn’t be changed. Everything had turned out alright in the end, and even if they hadn’t been so fortunate, speculating about what he would have done differently with abilities he didn’t possess was useless.

When Julen asked what Rollick had nightmares about, for the first time in the conversation Rollick was tempted not to tell the truth. It would be easy to make up a story, a particularly gruesome but ultimately conventional battle, or some overwhelming but thoroughly external danger to his family. Something normal. The moment that thought crossed his mind, Rollick dismissed it. There was no benefit to lying to friends, especially not after Julen had been so honest himself. Julen deserved the same honesty from Rollick.

“I do not doubt the wisdom of any advice you could give me, Julen. You show much insight, and I respect your opinions. I have had nightmares for many years, though, and I think the curing of them is beyond the capacity of anyone’s wisdom. With time they have lessened, but I doubt I will ever be completely free of them.”

There was no self-pity in Rollick’s tone, nor in his mind. He wasn’t feeling sorry for himself, he was simply being realistic. Rollick was lucky to be alive. He was lucky the scars he bore were so mild. One could not expect to wrestle with a god and be unchanged. The nightmares were a small price to pay, when he had been given back his life.

Rollick was somewhat nervous about broaching the subject with Julen, however. He wasn’t sure if Julen already knew or not. There was a good chance something had been said about it during Julen’s conversation with Uluki, but Rollick had never asked what the two of them had talked about, and there had been no reason for Uluki to bring up the content of their conversation herself. There was a possibility that Julen might be hearing this for the first time, and Rollick was concerned about his reaction. He didn’t want to see fear on his friend’s face. He didn’t want to see condemnation. Rather than dropping the subject, though, now it was his turn to look away, focusing his eyes on a large water stain on the far wall.

“Nearly eleven years ago, I experienced something quite… horrific. A god— a beast, a creature of evil— invaded my mind and body. It caused me to do horrible things, against my will. I fought it with the help of Uluki and Mercedes and our other friends, and was freed from it after several months. That creature, and those months of possession by it, are what haunt my dreams.”

“The nightmares come and go. I am never completely without them, but their frequency is greater or less depending on what is happening in the waking world. I suspect I have been having them more often lately because of our abrupt transition from our old home. We are happy here, but there is a great deal of stress in such an upheaval. I think that stress has caused my mind to dredge up old problems, and to revisit old terrors.”

That was a nice, tidy, logical explanation, and was what Rollick believed to be the case. There was a persistent, lingering doubt in his mind, though, and he wanted to get Julen’s opinion on it.

“I do have a… a worry, though, and that worry may also be the reason for the increase in dreams. Sometimes I fear that I have been changed by my experience. I don’t mean just the memories, the emotional residue, the things we carry with us from every event that affects us deeply. I worry that my soul was tainted as well as my body, but that my judgment has been too clouded to see it. I worry that my happiness has made it impossible for me to see anything that could end it. I have given my word to many, including to Aorle, that I am no danger, and I believe that is true. I believe it. I know Uluki believes it too, and that she trusts me completely. But what if I am wrong? What if there is evil in me that I am unable to see? What if the word I have given is a lie, an unintentional and well-meaning one, but a lie none the less?”

He spoke softly, making a confession. “I have realized something in the last few days, something which disturbs me. I know I must seem an old man to you, but in truth I have changed little if at all in the past decade. I had grey hair by forty.”

He had not found his grey hair at all important until his romance with Uluki had begun to blossom, and then he had suddenly become deeply self-conscious about it. Well, only until Uluki had mentioned casually and without his prompting that she thought it was sexy; then it had stopped being a problem for him.

“My arthritis has not worsened, and the changes in my strength and stamina have not been recent. I have come up with all sorts of reasons for it, said it was because I’m healthy, or because of Uluki’s healing, or perhaps my parents were the same way. But the truth is, it is unnatural. I am afraid it is because of what that… that thing did to me. As difficult as it is to face aging, the prospect of being preserved by an evil force is far worse. If I were whole and untainted, this should not be possible. I should be declining, maybe slowly and maybe not steadily, but my body should not have been frozen in time for ten years. So perhaps… perhaps evil does linger in me, as a paladin once predicted it would. Perhaps I am irredeemably corrupted.”

Rollick finally pried his eyes away from the water stain and turned back to Julen, ready to come to terms with whatever expression he might find on his friend’s face.

[Julen]

“Uluki told me about your ordeal with the evil god,” Julen admitted, once Rollick finished speaking. Now, as then, he felt only sympathy for his friend. After all that, it was no wonder that Rollick had nightmares -- really, it was a miracle that he ever had anything else. “She spoke of your great strength and courage, of the lives saved because you fought against the creature possessing you.”

Julen wished he could banish his friend’s worries, wished he could make some argument which conclusively proved that Rollick hadn’t been corrupted by his experience. Certainly, in Julen’s opinion, Rollick was as good as men got. It was hard to believe that any trace of evil still lingered inside him. Unfortunately, gods were mysterious things, and Julen could hardly claim to be an expert on the subject.

“I understand your concern. But let me say this -- most of us carry some sort of taint. Thetta is driven by hatred and bitterness. Krarug was created as a weapon of war. However much I trust him, I also know that violent impulses from his past must occasionally stir inside his heart. And I’m cursed with a power I can barely control. We all believe that we can master our darkness, that it poses no threat to those around us. But we all still struggle.”

Julen placed a hand on his friend’s arm. “You successfully fought against the god when it was at its full strength inside you. If any taint does remain behind, I have no doubt that you will be able to conquer it.”

“Besides, I’ve seen no evidence of evil inside you, nor has Aorle. And he’s pretty skilled at sensing that sort of thing. Perhaps being inhabited by the god did change you physically, without leaving any sort of contamination.” Although he’d been unable to offer any absolute comfort, Julen still wanted to finish on an optimistic note. “Perhaps some good came from what you endured. If your aging truly has slowed, and your longevity increased, then you may spare Uluki from a great sorrow. Or at the very least, postpone it.”

Julen hoped that Rollick wouldn’t mind his allusion to the lifespan differences between human and fairy. Obviously, it wasn’t pleasant to think about dying, about leaving a grief-stricken wife behind. But it must be something that occasionally cast a shadow across Rollick's happiness.

[Lylessa Uluki]

((NPC Post))

As Julen spoke, Rollick felt the relief that came from a burden being lifted. It had never crossed his mind that these effects could be purely physical, with no moral implication. He realized now that if someone else had come to Rollick himself and made such a confession, that would have been his immediate thought, but somehow when it concerned him, he had utterly failed to consider the possibility. It made sense, and it was a deeply reassuring suggestion. The confidence Julen showed that Rollick could fight and prevail over any potential evil that did rear its head also made him feel better.

“I am very glad that I have had your counsel on this matter, Julen. Your words have set my mind at ease.” Rollick’s body and voice were more relaxed; the tension in his face and hands had ebbed.

“In the time since my experience, I have tried to examine myself for any traces of remaining evil from the god, to search my soul for dark thoughts or impulses which do not belong to me. I have not found any. While I am far from perfect, all my flaws appear to be my own. And truth be told, I do not feel I am a different person than I was. More scarred, damaged and healed, but the same person in spite of it all. I am not a complicated man. My moods are not overly changeable. My desires are simple. It seemed that I should be able to know myself well. That is why this new turn of events was so surprising, and caused me so much alarm.”

“I plan to speak to Uluki about this matter, but I decided to seek your advice first because you are more able to be objective about the situation than either she or I could. I know I am not able to see things with a dispassionate eye.” His next words tumbled out in a torrent, disjointed but heartfelt. “My love for my family is deep, and their presence in my life is of the utmost importance to me. Having gone through hell makes a man appreciate heaven all the more, and my family’s affection brings me the greatest joy I have ever known. Being her husband, and their father, is a blessing— and I do not want to let go of that blessing. So of course, I would tend to blind myself to any possibility that would separate me from those I love, since it is my wish to remain with them.”

His voice became more even as he continued. “Uluki, for her part, would love and accept me no matter what. She would never give up on me. Never. Even when that creature was in me and everyone thought I was doomed— when even I thought that— still she did not give up. I would not have blamed her if she had written me off as a lost cause, and had moved on with her life rather than struggling so desperately to keep me from the grave. Yet she continued to fight for me, in spite of the odds against her. She will never stop loving me, and that means more to me than I could say. But if there was evil in me, I think she would not see it. I do not think she would give up hope, even if hope was no longer warranted.”

“So your opinion is greatly reassuring. You are able to see the situation from a perspective neither of us can, since we are the ones embroiled in it. And for that I thank you.”

“The thought of more time with Uluki is…” Rollick paused, hesitating. “I must confess it is a sweet one, gods help me. I should not consider any vestige of evil a gift, and yet…” He tugged at his sleeve absently, more to occupy his hands than because the sleeve had offended. “Yet I have often worried what would become of her when death claimed me. Uluki is strong, but much of her strength comes from her love of others, and she hates to be alone. The bonds between us are deep and permanent. I have feared she would grieve herself to death for me, and that thought is deeply painful. If I had more time, more time with her, more time with my family…”

He left the thought unfinished, believing Julen would understand. Rollick had no desire to embrace evil and would not seek solutions to his problems in darkness, but since the results of this particular darkness had already come to pass, perhaps it was not wrong to be optimistic rather than dour. The events in the life he shared with Uluki always seemed to come to good in the end, even if those events were painful and wrenching. Perhaps this was no different. Perhaps there was good in this too, not more evil. Hope, not pain. At least for now, Rollick would allow himself that possibility.

“Speaking of family, there is a matter of a practical nature that I also hoped to discuss with you. Uluki and I are both grateful for your offer that you and Rosemary would look after our children if anything should happen to the two of us. That sets our minds at ease.”

Julen seemed to be doing a lot of setting Rollick’s mind at ease today, something Rollick was thankful for.

“However, since you and Uluki spoke of the matter, our family has grown. I speak now not of Kaydee, who has expressed no desire for a permanent connection with us, but of Kira. Should Uluki and I die, Kira would be left alone in the world. She is but thirteen and deeply damaged, and I am not sure she could survive being cast adrift in such a way, nor would we want such a thing to happen to her. We wondered if perhaps you and Rosemary would consider extending your generous offer to include her as well. She is a kind girl and causes no trouble, she simply requires patience and understanding. If you could find a place in your hearts for her too, Uluki and I would be even more grateful. If, however, you feel her wounds are too great, and the disruption to your lives would be too much, we will not think less of you at all, and will make other arrangements for Kira to be provided for. Uluki and I hoped you and Rosemary might give the matter some thought.”

Rollick was not intending to die any time soon, and Uluki would not come to harm if by his own life or death he could prevent it, but whether or not one intended to die was generally not taken into consideration. Kira was their responsibility, Rollick’s and Uluki’s, and ensuring that the girl would be cared for was as much a duty as it was for those provisions to be made for Dash or Zee or Martin. Rollick presented the question to Julen now not to be morbid or because he expected calamity, but simply to have the matter settled and spare them all further worry or doubt.

[Julen]

Julen nodded his understanding when Rollick spoke about Uluki’s stanch loyalty. It didn’t surprise him. People might underestimate Uluki because of her size, her inability to use weapons, or her overflowing sweetness. But Julen no longer made those mistakes. Perhaps it was easy to believe that fighting and killing were the only measure of a person’s power. Until you realized that kindness, compassion, and even hope -- all of them required their own type of strength. That was the sort of strength Uluki seemed to possess in nearly unlimited reserves.

“I was actually talking to Callie about some of this. About how love can blind you and bind you to people, even when devotion seems foolish. Because you still keep thinking the situation might change. You keep thinking that maybe tomorrow, you’ll finally say or do the right thing, and it will all be okay again.” Julen shook his head. “And the hardest thing is, you never know. Obviously, Uluki’s dedication to you paid off. But maybe Callie should have left her husband long ago. Or maybe not. Maybe he would have eventually come around, if I hadn’t...”

Trailing off, Julen realized that he probably wasn’t helping Rollick cheer up. “Not that I’m comparing you to a man who beat his wife. I’m just saying that I know why you wanted an outside opinion. I’m glad that mine has helped set your mind at ease.”

Julen also sympathized with Rollick’s concern over what might happen to Uluki if her husband died. Recent life changes sometimes made Julen wonder the same thing about Rosemary. She would probably scream, pull out her hair, break down in hysterics -- suffer a pain that he wouldn’t wish on anyone, much less the woman he loved. But she would go on. It wasn’t a question of intensity, of who loved who more. Rosemary simply wasn’t the ‘pining away’ type.

Occasionally, Julen considered asking Aorle and Rollick to look after Rosemary, if anything happened to him. But doing so almost seemed like an insult. He was their friend and their comrade. Of course they would take care of Rosemary. What did he expect them to do? Kick his widow out onto the street? Julen hoped Rollick understood that, in similar circumstances, he would do everything he could for Uluki, however futile those efforts might ultimately prove to be.

And that brought him to Rollick’s final question. Julen was relieved that the elder warrior hadn’t included Kaydee in his request. Of course, Julen would always try to help Kaydee, whatever hardships came her way. But becoming her guardian would add an uncomfortable element to something that was already uncomfortable enough.

The prospect of expanding his initial offer to include Kira, however, gave Julen no pause at all. He was actually a little embarrassed that he hadn’t already broached the subject himself. “Of course. I’ll have to speak to Rosemary before I can say anything definite. But I’m sure she’ll feel, as I do, that Kira deserves the best we can offer her. The first time I saw her, my heart went out to that girl. I’ll never know how a father could so monstrously abuse his own daughter.” There was evil Julen could understand. And then there was a level of evil that just seemed like madness. For him, family members harming one another fell solidly into the latter category.

“I guess the best we can do is make sure that he never tortures another innocent. Let’s head back to the base and update the others.”

[Lylessa Uluki]

Rollick was deeply uncomfortable with Julen’s parallel between Rollick himself and Callie’s husband. Though he knew he shouldn’t put himself above others, Rollick worked hard to be a good man. He endeavoured to make the right decisions, and though he knew he did not always succeed in that, it was not for lack of trying. He made a conscious effort to be a good husband and father.

Rollick was therefore rather taken aback to have Uluki’s desire to save his life likened to Callie’s struggle with an abusive man. Harm coming to Uluki or his children was the worst thing Rollick could imagine, and the thought of causing such harm himself made him almost physically ill. Though Rollick knew Uluki had been through great pain and worry for his sake, he had never intended to make her suffer. Her heart had hurt because she loved him and felt for him, and he was very sympathetic about that, but he had not been intentionally cruel to her. Only a true coward would beat his wife and starve his child as Callie’s husband had done. Rollick did not believe himself such a coward, and hoped others did not see him that way. Though he could see the similarities that Julen intended to highlight, the words themselves chilled Rollick.

Still, he reminded himself that Julen meant nothing unkind by it, not in light of the discussion that had preceded it, and the words that followed it. Julen had, after all, just said he didn’t consider Rollick a danger. Surely if he expected Rollick to do harm to Uluki or their children, Julen would have been more cautious in his comfort. Many people at the base cared a great deal about the family, and Rollick was confident that if any of them feared for Uluki’s safety, or for the safety of the girls or the baby, they would not remain silent. Rollick hoped his actions had never— and would never— give them grounds for such worries. He tried to forget the metaphor that so troubled him, and merely accept Julen’s understanding of Rollick’s desire for an objective view.

“I am grateful for your willingness to help Kira,” he replied when Julen agreed to his request, as long as Rosemary also found it acceptable. “Not only being willing to step in if Uluki and I are killed, but also that you have agreed to help us tonight. I know this plan is not without risk, and you have bravely accepted that risk to assist in protecting Kira, as well as preventing Panterras from claiming any future victims. For all of that, I thank you.”

The trip back to the base was uneventful. Rollick enjoyed the pleasant company and the warmth of the sun on his face after the cool dimness of the church. “I’ll be right back,” Rollick told Julen when they had arrived at home. “I’ll go find Uluki and Dash and ask them to join us, so we can complete our preparations.”

Uluki and Dash proved easy to find. As Aorle had encouraged her to, Uluki was spending time with the family. Though their conversation had been about mundane things for the most part, the general mood had lifted somewhat by the time Rollick returned. After hellos were exchanged, Rollick asked Dash to go join Julen. Uluki looked at him questioningly, and he added, “I need to speak to your mother for a moment, Dashie. We’ll be down shortly.”

Uluki and Rollick found a quiet corner of the hallway, and before he spoke he embraced her, pulling her close. “I love you,” he told her, and there was a heaviness behind his words she couldn’t quite identify.

“I love you too,” she replied, looking up at him and meeting his eyes. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I mean… I think so. I need to tell you something.”

After a pause, she gently prompted, “Yes? What do you need to tell me?”

He took a deep breath and plunged in. “I think the god did something to my body, changed it somehow. In the past ten years, physically I do not seem to have gotten any older. That ought not to have been the case. I’ve been denying it for some time, suppressing the thoughts when they surfaced, but each day it seems more and more clear. Something that thing did to me seems to have preserved me, far beyond what is natural.”

Uluki looked startled. She had of course noticed his physical condition hadn’t changed, but neither had hers. Neither of them looked a day older than they had at their wedding, but Uluki hadn’t expected to— she was Fae. She hadn’t realized a human was supposed to do anything different than Rollick had. She didn’t know how most humans aged. “Well, but… that’s good, isn’t it?” she suggested cautiously, puzzled by the worry in his voice.

“But doesn’t it make you worry that the creature’s evil still lingers…?”

“No,” Uluki replied without elaboration.

“Just ‘no’?”

“Yes, you heard me right. Just ‘no.’ It doesn’t make me worry that. Nothing has changed just because you figured it out. I’ve been married to you for ten years. You aren’t evil, believe me. I would know. And if you have more time…?”

“If I have more time?”

“You’ll still stay with me, right?” She wasn’t really worried he’d say no, she just wanted the reassurance of hearing him say yes. “You won’t go away?”

“Of course. More time means more time together. Nothing will part us but death, however long it is between now and then.” There was no hesitation or doubt in Rollick’s voice.

“Then everything is alright.” Uluki smiled at him, a bright smile that lit her face. It seemed she had been given a reprieve from her worries about his longevity, at least for the moment, and her heart felt light.

After another hug and kiss, they went to join Julen, Dash, and, when she returned, the spy who called herself Soubrette.

[Quinn]

Quinn sang to herself as she rode back. Hermetta's Report - Hermetta being the fairy soubrette character - was a fast, dramatic song and was great for singing while feeling rather excited and dangerous. She was singing the new lyrics, which really barely had to change for the new situation. The scanning was almost perfect. She had scribbled them down on a piece of paper in the inn, and it was now ready to give to Julen.

As she found somewhere to tie up the horse (not the same horse. The stable Quinn used was useful like that) and made her way back to the base, Quinn was feeling a little calmer. The crazy bubbly feeling had settled to more an an anticipatory one, and it still remained to see whether that anticipation would turn to disgust when she actually saw the death brought about indirectly by her.

She found the others who were part of the plan gathered together and joined the group. Quinn had taken the time, even though these people knew, to some extent, who she was, to change from X back into Soubrette. Not 'Soubrette'. 'Me'. It felt a bit more right this time; at least it felt more right than being 'X'. That was... something.

"Success." She said, not sure how to phrase it - after all, she was talking about a good thing. She was also talking about a plot to kill a sick old man who had been one of these people's close friend. The word came out a little flat and empty of any sort of feeling. "The... Panterras seems to love the plan. He is particularly keen on you, Rollick, killing Uluki. He seems to think it would be poetic justice, which is funny really because we're going to..." She shut her mouth. Okay, this was what happened when you just talked as yourself? You babbled about the first thing that came into her head? Was that the sort of person Soubrette was, or had she just been bottling it up too long?

"Anyway. I have the song," she said, turning to Julen. "Panterras thinks you're basically an easily paid off petty crook, so maybe help him think that. And you're being kept silent by threats of retribution from contacts of mine." It was ths sort of information she'd want to know before being asked to play a part.

"Were you able to find a location?"

[Julen]

Soubrette’s safe return caused a wave of relief to wash through Julen. Although he hadn’t been consciously dwelling on it, he’d worried about the danger she was facing alone. Clearly, the young lady could look after herself -- she was, after all, an assassin. But Julen found himself having an increasingly difficult time thinking of Soubrette as a hired killer. Besides, even the most capable assassin might run into trouble when faced with a magic wielding lunatic.

But relief quickly became disgust when Soubrette mentioned Panterras’s ghoulish eagerness to see Uluki murdered by her own husband. Really, this guy was starting to make Snyde seem like a candidate for citizen of the year. It felt disturbing to think that Rollick had once considered him a friend. Presumably, back then, Panterras hadn’t been like this. What toppled a formerly good man? What turned a sane person into a complete psychopath? The log discovered in Panterras’s laboratory hinted that he was searching for the source of evil. And, in Julen’s opinion, he’d clearly found it. Whatever did this to him -- that was it.

Despite his strong emotional reaction, Julen withheld comment about that part of the plan. Such things were between Uluki and Rollick. If they could stomach it, so could he. Instead, Julen turned his attention to Soubrette, who seemed a little shaken. Gently, Julen placed his hand on her arm, and gave her a reassuring smile. “Well done. We all appreciate the risk you took for us.”

Then, on to business. “You’ll have to teach me the song. As we practice, don’t be alarmed if you...ah...see a few things. I’ll try to keep it under control. But I’ll be concentrating really hard, and that’s what tends to set off the magic. There may be flickers.”

Julen had no problem with Soubrette’s announcement that Panterras expected him to be a man afraid of retribution. He was still genuinely terrified that someone might report him to the Judges, so letting that fear shine through would be easy enough. But the other part, the part about being a petty crook, posed more difficulty. All that Julen knew about petty crooks was that he’d killed a lot of them recently. The circumstances of those encounters hadn’t presented much opportunity for character observation. “Sure. Except...how do petty crooks behave?” The question was asked of everyone present, not just Soubrette.

Feeling that he’d said enough, Julen left Rollick to answer Soubrette’s question about finding a location.

[Lylessa Uluki]

Rollick gave a brisk nod in response to the question about finding a place to stage their show. “Yes. Some sort of abandoned temple or church, not far away. Boarded windows, few exits, some cover but no real hiding places. It should work as well as anything we might find on such short notice.”

Truth be told, Rollick was also shocked to hear of the depths of desire Panterras was expressing about seeing Uluki killed. Panterras had made clear his dislike for her, but it was starting to seem like his hatred bordered on the obsessive. Rollick was forced to ask himself yet again how his once-friend could have come to such a point, but he still had no answer. As for how Panterras had fallen into darkness in general, Rollick suspected that Panterras had started seeing people as objects to be exploited, and had lost all compassion. Without compassion, he was able to justify any evil that benefited him, claiming it was really for the greater good. It had merely escalated from there, with no sin seeming too great. Rollick found it all unimaginably twisted.

“I will go along with this masquerade, and allow him to see what he wishes to,” Rollick said gravely, as though he himself were the one facing execution. “But I swear before all that is holy and good that I will not harm her. You need not fear for Uluki’s safety with me. I would die before I would allow any evil to befall her.” This was directed mostly to Julen. The discussion about Callie’s husband was still ringing in Rollick’s ears, and he wanted to be sure Julen understood that this was just a necessary charade. That Rollick didn’t abuse his family, no matter what the circumstances. That he would never, ever hurt Uluki. Rollick sighed, and then added, “But I shall do what I can to play my part.”

“Me too,” Uluki agreed. “But we’re going to have to act differently than we normally do, or even Panterras won’t believe you’d really harm me. I’ll act sad, like we haven’t been getting along and I don’t know why. You should ignore me as much as possible, like you don’t want to think of me because you’re going to kill me. If I touch you, don’t respond. Don’t look at me when I speak to you. And you should take off your wedding ring. You wouldn’t keep wearing it if you didn’t intend to still be married to me in the morning.”

Rollick had given a grim nod to all of her suggestions, but he balked at the last one. “That’s taking things too far. I will still be married to you tomorrow. The promises we made matter. I’m not going to pretend they don’t. I’m not going to take off my ring for his sake. I’m not going to choose him over you.”

Uluki could tell by the stubborn set of his jaw that he wasn’t going to budge any time soon. She could either give up, keep trying to wear him down in the remaining time she had, or find a compromise. Best to go with that last option. “We can hang it on a piece of cord, and you can wear it around your neck, tucked out of sight. That way you and I— and our friends— will know you still have it on, but Panterras won’t see it.”

Rollick clearly wasn’t thrilled with that, but he could accept it. “Alright, fine, but just for tonight.”

When Julen asked how to look like a crook, Uluki thought back to various unsavoury people she had known. “Criminals behave in all sorts of ways; they’re all different. You should try not to let Panterras get a long look at your face, because you don’t want to be remembered. You should also seem very aware of your surroundings, not on edge, but definitely not relaxed and at ease. But I think mainly, you should try to act like you don’t care about us. Whatever happens, it’s just a job to you. You would take no particular pleasure in our deaths, but nor does it matter to you whether we survive. Try not to seem engaged with us, or like you’re paying any more attention to us than you have to for your own safety.” Soubrette, of course, would probably have more to add, but Uluki thought that was a start.

[Quinn]

Soubrette was somewhat surprised to see that Julen had obviously worried about her, and gave him a genuine smile when he thanked her. Her eyes said, you're welcome. Her mind said, thanks, but I didn't do it for you. And then, who are you trying to convince? When the inner monologue started to become reflexive Quinn generally felt it was time for a bit more real dialogue. The audience doesn't come to be talked to, after all.

"Yes," she said, when Julen mentioned the song. Now that would be weird - like mixing work and... well, work, but you know. She expected Julen would feel equally odd - the warrior-bard taking up song in the defence of the innocent and the spy-actress spreading about a little light opera to get herself out of a tight spot. She was looking forward to that for a different reason as well - she would be very interested to see the images created by his magic. Illusion fascinated her because it was what she only pretended to herself to be, and the sheer beauty of some of the things she'd seen in questionably legal theatres... but she didn't know how to say any of that, so she just said, "I promise not to be alarmed," and smiled again. Gods, she was inarticulate today. Maybe she'd used up all her smooth-talking on Panterras.

Julen's question about crooks made her smile too, although the smile faded slightly when Uluki responded. ..."you should try to act like you don’t care about us. Whatever happens, it’s just a job to you. You would take no particular pleasure in our deaths, but nor does it matter to you whether we survive. Try not to seem engaged with us, or like you’re paying any more attention to us than you have to for your own safety."

Was Quinn oversensitive, or was that a dig? It's what Quinn would have done... masterful in its subtlety and all. Oh well, it wasn't as if she didn't deserve it.

"You don't have to worry about it too much," said the petty crook. "He's unlikely to be watching you. Just try not to look surprised or disgusted at some of the nastier things he says or does... it'll be hard. I can do it, but I've had years of practice. If he spots you looking outraged, he might worry that you'd turn him in and demand that I kill you too. That shouldn't be a problem, because it'll have to be after he thinks Kira is dead, and then you'll be killing him anyway." She said the last bit without a trace of feeling, because she had no idea what if any would be appropiate.

The abandoned church sounded fine. "That should work... I should go there at some point, there'll need to be somewhere I can 'hide' Panterras where he can see the show. You'll know where he is, of course."

It struck Quinn that, if she had felt so inclined, she could have been a triple agent leading them into a booby trap cleverly disguised as an ambush for someone else. Since she wasn't, she hoped fervently that nobody else picked up on that.

She followed Uluki and Rollick's conversation with detached, academic interest. "One more thing..." the last thing they needed to hear, but he had to know, "Er... Rollick. I had to give some reason why I was able to charm you over to Panterras' side and he wasn't." She sighed. "I implied that it was because... you were more receptive to female persuasion, if you catch my drift. So... I hate to ask this, but if I'm acting... friendly, don't be surprised."

That was over with. "Okay, so, I should get a note to Panterras some time this afternoon... perhaps I could send someone, and I can be teaching Julen the song? I don't know, would it be better if I went?"