A Guide to Dealing with the Dense.
Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 3:28 am
Okay, so basically I had some time on my hands this afternoon, and I sat down and wrote this. It's not complete, there are several more than need to be added, but it is such as this.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lucian's Methods on Dealing With Dense People.
Now, I know, you're just buzzing with questions like, "How does this apply to me?" "Do you have any experience to write on such a subject?" "Do all of your methods have at least one solution involving violence?" "Will it help me lose weight?" "Can I give you a whole bunch of money for writing something so informative?"
The answer to all of the above is yes, my friends. To begin, we will address the first, and possibly most common kind of dense person.
The Yackbox
Everyone knows someone like this. They, in a word, yack. This is hugely different from talking- when you are talking to someone, it implies a mutual level of interest on both ends, whereas someone who yacks begins speaking and does not cease, regardless of whether or not the other party [or parties] are responding or displaying any interest at all.
It can be very delicate dealing with a Yackbox, because frequently they have done no actual wrong other than excessively tax on your eardrums and sanity. Therefore, I have developed several methods to ensure that, while effectively dealing with the situation and granting you peace, there is no way you will be held liable for any wrong-doing.
Solution #1: Begin slowly moving away. This implies that you have to be going somewhere, and most Yackboxes will understand and wrap up. Also interject with comments such as, "I'm going to the restroom," or, "I'm going to go get a drink." Also, feel no guilt from using either of these lines! You are not lying and saying you need to do either of those thing, merely saying that you are! Your salvation is safe, rest assured!
Solution #2: Some will not be responsive to the first solution, so more drastic measures are required. If back away or the former interjections are ineffective, begin coughing violently. Nothing stops a person from talking faster than if the person they are talking to begins coughing their lungs out. They will, nearly invariably, ask you if you're alright, in which case you can assure them you are, but add, "I'm going to go get a drink of water." Again, you did not lie at any point in this circumstance!
Solution #3: In some situations, you will not be in a situation where you can get away from them [such as being stuck in a vehicle with them, or similar circumstance]. There are a few final measures of desperation that you can utilize against them. 1) If in a car, nod sleepily at them, and then gradually let your head drift backwards and feign sleep. They will either stop or try to wake you. If the latter, proceed to step two, which is,
2) PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE UNTIL THEY STOP TALKING.
Use this only as a last resort, as it raises issues of morality and legal liability.
The Auto-Inviter
You're planning a party, and having a few friends, maybe some family. As you are discussing the event with a friend you are inviting, an aquaintance walks up, overhears your discussion, and interjects with something like, "A party? Great! What time should I be there?"
We all know people who do this. It is an automatic for them that they should be included in whatever we have going on. While sometimes this is not a problem, sometimes it's not meant for just anyone, and it is a specific get-together. But if you flat out say "no" to them, they simply can't understand why they're not included. You're a jerk and elitist. Never fear, Lucian has some sure-fire ways to deal with this type of dense person.
Solution #1: Obviously the first solution is to never talk about a get-together around someone who is not going to be invited. Be heads up about it, and stop talking about it should someone else walk up.
Solution #2: They do not have a right to come just because they know you. To believe so is to intrude on the boundaries of friendship. Therefore, be polite, but be unwavering. If they have a problem with honesty, that's their problem. If they cannot come, never even hint that they might be able to in an attempt to buy out of the conversation. Deal with it now. Say, "Sorry, not this time. Maybe we could do something next week [not to deceive. honestly go out for coffee with them or something]?" This helps to neutralize whatever disappointment might exist from not being about to come to the event in question.
Solution #3: If they refuse to be budged, you have a few last options available to you. 1) Use the coughing trick immediately after they ask when they should be there. Excuse yourself, while coughing, and go get a drink. 2) Locate and pull a fire-alarm. No one will be thinking about the party in the ensuing chaos. 3) Fake a heart-attack.
And 4) Begin gnawing on your own hands and fingers, hard enough to make you yell or scream. Do this, and if necessary run away while in the process. No one wants to talk to someone who is eating him/herself, and the situation is defused.
The Auto-Inviter is one of the trickiest of all situations. Use discretion.
The Enthusiast
Our last subject for today, this type of dense person is frequently one of the most annoying. In a group setting, small or large, someone suggest an activity [something mind-blowingly entertaining, like Monopoly or four-square]. The majority agrees and goes to participate. You decide that you'd rather not this time around. Then, some enthusiastic, no-one-get-left-behind go-getter sees that you are not coming to join in, and decided it's his/her job to ensure that you get up and have some of the fun.
Some people just can't take a hint. Lucian is here to help you help them to 'understand.'
Solution #1: Smile, assure them that no, you really don't want to. There's a fair chance that they really are just trying to be kind, wanting to assure that they want you to be included. If this is the case, they will persist only a little while and give up good-naturedly. There is no reason to be severe with this person.
Solution #2: There is the other kind of enthusiast, though- this one simply will not understand that you don't want to participate. They will cajole, beg, whine, pout- and not give up. Be unflinching with this person, even cold. "I do. not. want to participate. Leave me alone." They may say you're being anti-social. The appropriate retort is, "You're being dense. Go away." If, even after all of this, they persist, break out the extremes.
Pause, look them squarely in the eye, and say, "Look. I would rather DIG OUT MY EYES WITH GLASS SHARDS [or 'I would rather RIP OUT MY FINGERNAILS WITH RUSTY PLIERS'] than [whatever they're doing] right now, alright?!"
Solution #3: Even that might not be enough. They may even escalate to taking hold of you and trying to drag you into the event, jokingly insisting that it's for your own good. Ha. Ha. At this point, the solution is painfully obvious. Only blunt force trauma is adequate to deal with this type of person.
Therefore proceed to, forthwith and without delay, pummel them about the face and body in such a fashion that you are as a million dwarf hammers against the stone, again and again until a tunnel is created or, rather, they flee the scene, bloodied and in terror of your wrath.
This has been Lucian's Methods on Dealing With Dense People. Thank you all.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lucian's Methods on Dealing With Dense People.
Now, I know, you're just buzzing with questions like, "How does this apply to me?" "Do you have any experience to write on such a subject?" "Do all of your methods have at least one solution involving violence?" "Will it help me lose weight?" "Can I give you a whole bunch of money for writing something so informative?"
The answer to all of the above is yes, my friends. To begin, we will address the first, and possibly most common kind of dense person.
The Yackbox
Everyone knows someone like this. They, in a word, yack. This is hugely different from talking- when you are talking to someone, it implies a mutual level of interest on both ends, whereas someone who yacks begins speaking and does not cease, regardless of whether or not the other party [or parties] are responding or displaying any interest at all.
It can be very delicate dealing with a Yackbox, because frequently they have done no actual wrong other than excessively tax on your eardrums and sanity. Therefore, I have developed several methods to ensure that, while effectively dealing with the situation and granting you peace, there is no way you will be held liable for any wrong-doing.
Solution #1: Begin slowly moving away. This implies that you have to be going somewhere, and most Yackboxes will understand and wrap up. Also interject with comments such as, "I'm going to the restroom," or, "I'm going to go get a drink." Also, feel no guilt from using either of these lines! You are not lying and saying you need to do either of those thing, merely saying that you are! Your salvation is safe, rest assured!
Solution #2: Some will not be responsive to the first solution, so more drastic measures are required. If back away or the former interjections are ineffective, begin coughing violently. Nothing stops a person from talking faster than if the person they are talking to begins coughing their lungs out. They will, nearly invariably, ask you if you're alright, in which case you can assure them you are, but add, "I'm going to go get a drink of water." Again, you did not lie at any point in this circumstance!
Solution #3: In some situations, you will not be in a situation where you can get away from them [such as being stuck in a vehicle with them, or similar circumstance]. There are a few final measures of desperation that you can utilize against them. 1) If in a car, nod sleepily at them, and then gradually let your head drift backwards and feign sleep. They will either stop or try to wake you. If the latter, proceed to step two, which is,
2) PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE UNTIL THEY STOP TALKING.
Use this only as a last resort, as it raises issues of morality and legal liability.
The Auto-Inviter
You're planning a party, and having a few friends, maybe some family. As you are discussing the event with a friend you are inviting, an aquaintance walks up, overhears your discussion, and interjects with something like, "A party? Great! What time should I be there?"
We all know people who do this. It is an automatic for them that they should be included in whatever we have going on. While sometimes this is not a problem, sometimes it's not meant for just anyone, and it is a specific get-together. But if you flat out say "no" to them, they simply can't understand why they're not included. You're a jerk and elitist. Never fear, Lucian has some sure-fire ways to deal with this type of dense person.
Solution #1: Obviously the first solution is to never talk about a get-together around someone who is not going to be invited. Be heads up about it, and stop talking about it should someone else walk up.
Solution #2: They do not have a right to come just because they know you. To believe so is to intrude on the boundaries of friendship. Therefore, be polite, but be unwavering. If they have a problem with honesty, that's their problem. If they cannot come, never even hint that they might be able to in an attempt to buy out of the conversation. Deal with it now. Say, "Sorry, not this time. Maybe we could do something next week [not to deceive. honestly go out for coffee with them or something]?" This helps to neutralize whatever disappointment might exist from not being about to come to the event in question.
Solution #3: If they refuse to be budged, you have a few last options available to you. 1) Use the coughing trick immediately after they ask when they should be there. Excuse yourself, while coughing, and go get a drink. 2) Locate and pull a fire-alarm. No one will be thinking about the party in the ensuing chaos. 3) Fake a heart-attack.
And 4) Begin gnawing on your own hands and fingers, hard enough to make you yell or scream. Do this, and if necessary run away while in the process. No one wants to talk to someone who is eating him/herself, and the situation is defused.
The Auto-Inviter is one of the trickiest of all situations. Use discretion.
The Enthusiast
Our last subject for today, this type of dense person is frequently one of the most annoying. In a group setting, small or large, someone suggest an activity [something mind-blowingly entertaining, like Monopoly or four-square]. The majority agrees and goes to participate. You decide that you'd rather not this time around. Then, some enthusiastic, no-one-get-left-behind go-getter sees that you are not coming to join in, and decided it's his/her job to ensure that you get up and have some of the fun.
Some people just can't take a hint. Lucian is here to help you help them to 'understand.'
Solution #1: Smile, assure them that no, you really don't want to. There's a fair chance that they really are just trying to be kind, wanting to assure that they want you to be included. If this is the case, they will persist only a little while and give up good-naturedly. There is no reason to be severe with this person.
Solution #2: There is the other kind of enthusiast, though- this one simply will not understand that you don't want to participate. They will cajole, beg, whine, pout- and not give up. Be unflinching with this person, even cold. "I do. not. want to participate. Leave me alone." They may say you're being anti-social. The appropriate retort is, "You're being dense. Go away." If, even after all of this, they persist, break out the extremes.
Pause, look them squarely in the eye, and say, "Look. I would rather DIG OUT MY EYES WITH GLASS SHARDS [or 'I would rather RIP OUT MY FINGERNAILS WITH RUSTY PLIERS'] than [whatever they're doing] right now, alright?!"
Solution #3: Even that might not be enough. They may even escalate to taking hold of you and trying to drag you into the event, jokingly insisting that it's for your own good. Ha. Ha. At this point, the solution is painfully obvious. Only blunt force trauma is adequate to deal with this type of person.
Therefore proceed to, forthwith and without delay, pummel them about the face and body in such a fashion that you are as a million dwarf hammers against the stone, again and again until a tunnel is created or, rather, they flee the scene, bloodied and in terror of your wrath.
This has been Lucian's Methods on Dealing With Dense People. Thank you all.
