Thar Shaddin

After having a discussion with Kat, and much thinking on my own part, I have decided to take an indefinite hiatus from tharshaddin.

This was told to Kat and Tov, but I'm bringing it out here now too, so that everyone understands. I don't feel welcome here. I always feel like I'm one wrong thing away from being told to leave. Thar is a place that feels very 'the loudest shouting person is the person that gets their point heard', and I cannot continue doing that. I can't continue feeling the way that this website makes me feel. There's things that I started on this site that I can't touch anymore because I get such a feeling of anxiety from the way I was treated over it that it makes me feel physically ill.

For those that don't know, I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, and I mask a lot of that by trying to get other people to see my as happy or funny and... the trade off isn't worth it to me anymore. Thar depresses me. Writing makes me happy. The happiness I get from writing isn't enough to tip the balance back from the depression that I get from Thar. I start to type the web address when I'm feeling motivated and happy and by the time I get to the 'r' I'm ready to just shut down the browser window.

People can think that I'm leaving because I'm not getting my way or something similarly silly. But that's not it at all. When I decided at work Sunday that I was going to take a hiatus from Thar, I almost had to leave my work station to go to the bathroom because I was so elated with the weight I had felt taken off my shoulders that I wanted to cry. If that's my reaction, that should tell anyone how badly my personal relationship is with this website.

I don't know if I'll be returning. If I am, I will let someone know, but I don't know in what capacity I will be returning in. I truly don't. James, I'm sorry. Especially because you made a character specifically to post with me. I swear to god, I'm sorry. As far as Jacme goes, you guys can just write the battlemage as telling him to go back to the HQ or go somewhere else. I'm sure you'll think of something. Kat, I won't ask you to put the thread on hiatus, because that's unfair to you. You can do what you want with Wulf. Even if you want to post as him and just change the name. Tov, I apologize for leaving you when we have Birthday Blues together, and I don't know how to work around me leaving for you to continue to enjoy that. I'm truly sorry.

If you want to leave my WIP characters were they are, that's fine. I would ask that you do, so that if I do return that I can continue working on them maybe from a better headspace. I'm also going to try and come in tomorrow and make sure I've got what is written down for the WIP characters backed up as files on my laptop so that I also have them. If you do decide to remove them from either that section or the site entirely, I completely understand and don't hold it against anyone. I'm about to start crying as I type this and I don't know if it's sadness that I may be leaving something that's been apart of my for five years or happiness because I feel like some great big weight is finally off my shoulders and I don't have to feel like I'm on the outside still, no matter how much people try and reassure me that I am not.

I want to apologize to everyone. I want to stay. But it's better for myself right now if I don't. I know that I have a bunch of you on facebook now, but please don't bombard me with messages about this. I mean, by all means, ask me how I'm doing, check in on me now and then, cause I'm going to check on you, but don't constantly push me about Thar. Please. I'm begging you on that count.

Tov, as for DnD, just send me a link on facebook and I'll see how I'm feeling or how it goes. I can't promise anything, and I'm sorry. The pirates group might be better without me anyways. It'll be easier for you to run, and Kit won't have to hear me yell at his character as much, that's for sure.

Corey, you're one of the most incredible people I've ever met, over the Internet or otherwise.

Godspeed, sir.

Dammit man, I am going to miss you and our musical romps through the world.
Still, I understand the need to step away from things, so you have my full support.

Take care of yourself and know that - no matter what you are doing or where you are - I am wishing you well!
You are a fantastic bloke and deserve the best life can offer.

And if you ever change your mind in the future, you are always welcome back as far as I am concerned.

If you ever need me, send me a PM here or an email to me via my gmail. (If you don't have that from our hangout sessions, let me know by PM and I'll send it to you)

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Good luck. I hope you have the opportunity to work with a counselor on those things that you are struggling with.

Coreyyyyy,

I know we never really spoke all that much apart from a few rather fun hangouts, but I hope that whatever you need to do will make you happy, and I mean truly happy, not just for a few moments or a few hours.

Keep up the good work on the weightlifting!

And most importantly: don't let anyone (not even you yourself) ever tell you that your writing isn't good. You write beautifully! And if you ever need a reminder of that, the Wulf-Fidget thread is more than proof enough and that is just one example :-)

You're a fine writer and a good guy, and I'm sorry to see you go. I haven't been around to know what has you so down about Thar, but I do know that I haven't heard bad things about you. I hope you come back, as I'm sure others do as well, but if Thar brings up bad emotions, regardless of why that might be, your priority is to your own wellbeing. No stranger to anxiety myself, I think I understand.

Hit me up on FB if you want, you're still welcome in the hangouts I'm sure.