Thar Shaddin

Anything marked with an asterisk ( * ) is the standard lie given by Khaeran for reasons both IC (he doesn't want anyone to know the truth) and OOC (I want to RP all the plot stuff that will lead up to the big reveal rather than just handing it out at the start). PM containing the real details will be sent to whichever staff member responds to this application.

Name: Khaeran
Age: 27*
Race: Human*
Height: 6' 7"

Physical Description: Khaeran is tall and, although not bulky, has a very well-defined musculature. His golden hair tumbles down in a thick mane to his shoulders. His normal attire is a long robe, gloves and boots, all of rough make, leaving only his face uncovered. His eyes are violet, and hi movement is fluid and graceful, seeming almost to glide. Despite his often intimidating appearance, Khaeran is generally smiling.

Personality: Friendly and amiable, Khaeran is always ready to make a new friend, despite the difficulty he has in this endeavor due to his appearance. However, when he's found a friend, he'll stick with them to the end. He will fight to the death to defend the innocent.

Possessions: Nothing but the clothes on his back.

Powers & Strengths:

"I have some martial arts training, so I'm fairly quick and strong, but I'm nothing particularly special."*

Trader: Khaeran is an excellent merchant, being both a skilled haggler and an accurate judge of value.

Weaknesses:

Compassion: Khaeran feels deeply any loss, from the death of a child to the execution of an innocent. In many cases, he blames himself for failing to save them, even when he could not have done anything.

Unproven: Khaeran often feels bound to undertake any task or challenge set before him, even when it would be extremely dangerous or unwise.

History:

"I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I hated it, so I ran away when I was young. I met a travelling monk along the way, and we struck up a friendship. I stayed with him for a few years, learning to fight, but after a while I got bored of the same surroundings, so I set out to travel across the world. And here I am now."*

Hi Khaeran, and welcome to Thar Shaddin.

I'd just like to point out that while it's fine to have character secrets (only known by moderators), you will end up needing to include more in your application for the sake of players who may be writing with you. That said, send me a PM with the details you wish to keep secret and while that's being reviewed, think about what else you can include in your application to give other players a better idea of who your character is when reading your application. There are probably other strengths and weaknesses your character has as well that you can include that you might not have considered, like personality strengths or weaknesses that could be considered real obstacles.

Another thing to note: you'll also need to have your account name changed to something related to your character, but that can be sorted out later.

I know, I'm going to edit the details in later when I've done the reveal.

I didn't know the account name had to be linked to your character's... this is my standard forum name.

Edit: I have to go now. I'll PM tomorrow.

Also, did you read this? http://www.tharshaddin.com/rp/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=2543

Yes, I read it.

PM sent to Katona.

Thanks for waiting!

I'll go through each section individually, starting with physical description. I'm considering both this application and the one sent to me via pm in this review, but I'll speak to you privately about any details that you've chosen not to make public.

First of all, because your character has violet eyes, it's going to be obvious to most people who see his eyes that he's not human. You're also definitely not going to find many people who are 6'7" and graceful, it just doesn't work like that. If he's that tall and still "gliding", it's very likely people are going to assume he's magically affected in some way. In Marn especially, people are wary of magic -- fae in particular -- and he will be noticed. You've also said that he's "intimidating" but you haven't described what about him is intimidating.

Remember: your character has to make sense, and not be a combination of conflicting adjectives. It will be a much more accurate description if you remember that. Please include more in the application about his personality as well, even if you just do so in the history or strengths/weaknesses sections. There isn't a lot in the application that describes what Khaeran is like as a person, but I'll explain this a bit more later on.

You've include a lot of strengths in the character, almost all combat-related, but almost no weaknesses. As it is now, the character is too overpowered for a first character. You'll need to reduce the number of strengths, try and include some strengths not related to combat (like personality strengths, for example), and definitely include more weaknesses. Try to think about the character as a real person, with the kind of problems a real person might have. These can be physical weaknesses, but they can also be social or personality weaknesses. Anything that could be considered an obstacle can be included as a weakness, including being unfamiliar with the cultures of the world due to growing up in an isolated community.

You're going to have to make sure that the strengths and weaknesses are suitably balanced, especially considering that this is a first character. Remember that Thar Shaddin is not a combat-oriented RP and we tend to focus on story and character development.

Even if you want to keep the specifics of the character's past a secret in the public application, you still need to write a proper history section. There are several reasons for this, the most obvious being that people need to know what kind of character they're considering to join a thread with. Another reason is that we, as moderators, use the history sections as writing samples to ensure that the player is suited to the way that we roleplay, and so on. That aside, we need to make sure you have an understanding of your character, their history, and -- in this case -- the history that they're going to explain to others.

If you would like to keep the actual history secret, please write a second history to express either the main points of the actual history you've written with the details omitted, or an entirely fabricated history that is actually fleshed out. Your real history needs to be expanded on as well. You should include more information reflecting who the character is as a person and how they were raised. I'd like to know more about why Kaeran is the way he is, why he has made certain decisions, and what his goal is in life.

One of my concerns if that the character appears designed for a combat style of RP, which won't work for this site. So overall, I would like you to show that this character has a distinct personality, with balanced strengths and weaknesses, and all of the details should make sense and take into account the setting.

A few questions about specifics of the history:

How much of the continent has he traveled, and why did he choose to travel it? Why did he observe Thar Shaddin for so long? What was the interest, considering that compared to Eyropa and Tian Xia it's a relatively insignificant Puradyne community in the middle of nowhere? If he knows so much about the world and its cultures, why would be hesitate to walk into Marn at all?

Has he made any friends, and if so, what does he think of them now? Where is his family? Does he miss any of them? Why did he leave his friends if, as you've said, "he'll stick with them to the end"? If he has no friends at all, why not? Include a better reason than that he's "intimidating". Intimidating people can still make friends, especially if they're friendly.

As I mentioned, I'll have to speak to you about other parts of the application privately. Feel free to PM me or reply here with any questions. Have fun!