Thar Shaddin

Tribea wrote:Name: Merjockse Tejuanto
Age: 28
Race: Human
Height: 5 7"
Weight: 139

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Physical Description: An olive-skinned male, a bit tall (5'7 isn't really all that tall...) , has straw-colored hair, his eyes be (grammar: correct verb is "are") black as coal, skinny,(this sounds like his eyes are skinny, not that he is skinny in build)and has a purplish scar below his eye (which eye? does it affect his vision?).

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Possessions: A small flintlock pistol, three shots worth of gunpowder, a set(4) bullets, a swig of scotch, a knee-sized sword, some clothes, about 28 bishini total, and a small syringe filled with a type of gnomes-blight that can affect humans, too. It is all stored in a small, cloth bag closed with a rope that goes around his shoulders. setting note: A flint-lock pistol does not exist in this setting. Gnomes-blight needs to be explained.

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Strengths: A sharp shot, battle hardened, can lockpick, and a keen eye one would need a keen eye to be a sharp-shooter, does this have other relevance? He just has really good eyesight? Also, setting note: being a sharp-shooter with a gun that may explode in one's face is questionable
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Weaknesses: Not particularly strong, typically misjudges opponents, has a weak spot right above his ribs, and is generally paranoid
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History: He was born to a poor working family with 4 grammar: numbers below ten should be written outbrothers and 2 sisters in Grecialso, a small town north of Semerkeht. At age 16, something tragic happened: his dad, Crecmoso Deciso, was shot as revenge for not paying a wealthy crime lord.
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His mother, Isabellos Deciso, soon spiraled into depression until meeting a wealthy man, who took the family to Keltaris. Soon, they were living in a small manor, but the kids still worked for extra money, an odd thing to note. Is this an after thought? Why does this matter?as the manor owner already had 7 kids from another marriage. grammar: if using however as "nevertheless" or "but," you should not use it to start a sentence. Instead, the prior phrase should end with a "; " and however should be followed by a ","However, this period didn't last long.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

At 17, the manor burned down. Merjockso then was forced iut(out) to the streets, a qualifier or transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'living there' until he was recruited into the militia at age 19. His regiment, the Jersoko Rangers, was a group of former street people. A transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'Misfortune continued to follow Merjockse, though. At the age of 21, he was forced out of the city along with the 18 other surviving regimenters regimenters is not a word, try soldiers or 'members of the regiment'after a disastrous battle left their neighborhood in ruins. what are all these battles in Keltaris? We may need to examine the Keltaris entry for further information.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

The regiment eventually traveled together redundancy: together is assumed because they are a regiment to Thar Shaddin as a group of laborers, and at the age of 28, Merjockso and the other regimenters agreed to split up for 8 years, then to travel farther east Merjockso, along with 2 other regimenters, ended up in Shim.run-on sentence: this would be better as separate sentences

This good?
No. This is essentially the same as the Tribusis information, except you left out the family details. The ask from the other mod was not for you to just redo the content, but to consider the community, the setting, and the stories, when creating your character.

The ask was for you to read the setting, guides, and familiarize yourself with them before writing out the character.

This is on the "about" tab:
We focus on writing quality and plot as well as creativity and having fun. That means a fair amount of reading is required to participate properly. You must also have some appreciation for grammar and spelling, although you don't need to be a professional writer.

Here is the link to that tab: General Information

Here are some other links:

Advice

New Player Guide

Setting Essentials

Some Rules

Character Creation Rules


This is a good example of what to do: -----> http://www.tharshaddin.com/rp/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3143

Then, go look at this app.<--- This is a good example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

Metarie wrote:

Tribea wrote:Name: Merjockse Tejuanto
Age: 28
Race: Human
Height: 5 7"
Weight: 139

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading
Physical Description: An olive-skinned male, a bit tall (5'7 isn't really all that tall...) , has straw-colored hair, his eyes be (grammar: correct verb is "are") black as coal, skinny,(this sounds like his eyes are skinny, not that he is skinny in build)and has a purplish scar below his eye (which eye? does it affect his vision?).

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Possessions: A small flintlock pistol, three shots worth of gunpowder, a set(4) bullets, a swig of scotch, a knee-sized sword, some clothes, about 28 bishini total, and a small syringe filled with a type of gnomes-blight that can affect humans, too. It is all stored in a small, cloth bag closed with a rope that goes around his shoulders. setting note: A flint-lock pistol does not exist in this setting. Gnomes-blight needs to be explained.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Strengths: A sharp shot, battle hardened, can lockpick, and a keen eye one would need a keen eye to be a sharp-shooter, does this have other relevance? He just has really good eyesight? Also, setting note: being a sharp-shooter with a gun that may explode in one's face is questionable
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

Weaknesses: Not particularly strong, typically misjudges opponents, has a weak spot right above his ribs, and is generally paranoid
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

History: He was born to a poor working family with 4 grammar: numbers below ten should be written outbrothers and 2 sisters in Grecialso, a small town north of Semerkeht. At age 16, something tragic happened: his dad, Crecmoso Deciso, was shot as revenge for not paying a wealthy crime lord.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

His mother, Isabellos Deciso, soon spiraled into depression until meeting a wealthy man, who took the family to Keltaris. Soon, they were living in a small manor, but the kids still worked for extra money, an odd thing to note. Is this an after thought? Why does this matter?as the manor owner already had 7 kids from another marriage. grammar: if using however as "nevertheless" or "but," you should not use it to start a sentence. Instead, the prior phrase should end with a "; " and however should be followed by a ","However, this period didn't last long.
spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

At 17, the manor burned down. Merjockso then was forced iut(out) to the streets, a qualifier her would be good, such as 'living there' until he was recruited into the militia at age 19. His regiment, the Jersoko Rangers, was a group of former street people. A transitional phrase here would be good, such as 'Misfortune continued to follow Merjockse, though. At the age of 21, he was forced out of the city along with the 18 other surviving regimenters regimenters is not a word, try soldiers or 'members of the regiment'after a disastrous battle left their neighborhood in ruins. what are all these battles in Keltaris? We may need to examine the Keltaris entry for further information.

spaces between paragraphs make for easier reading

The regiment eventually traveled together redundancy: together is assumed because they are a regiment to Thar Shaddin as a group of laborers, and at the age of 28, Merjockso and the other regimenters agreed to split up for 8 years, then to travel farther east Merjockso, along with 2 other regimenters, ended up in Shim.run-on sentence: this would be better as separate sentences

This good?
No. This is essentially the same as the Tribusis information, except you left out the family details. The ask from the other mod was not for you to redo the content.

The ask was for you to read the setting, guides, and familiarize yourself with them before writing out the character.

This is on the "about" tab:
We focus on writing quality and plot as well as creativity and having fun. That means a fair amount of reading is required to participate properly. You must also have some appreciation for grammar and spelling, although you don't need to be a professional writer.

Here is the link to that tab: http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/Genera ... nformation

Here are some other links:

http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/Advice]Advice

http://www.tharshaddin.com/about/New_Pl ... ayer Guide

http://www.tharshaddin.com/wiki/Setting ... Essentials

http://www.tharshaddin.com/rules]Some Rules

http://www.tharshaddin.com/rules/Charac ... tion Rules


This is a good example of what to do: -----> http://www.tharshaddin.com/rp/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3143

Then, go look at this app.<--- This is a good example of WHAT NOT TO DO.

Metarie wrote:ok.. have no idea what an ns group is

moving this to works in progress.

Saruna wrote:Quantity /= quality, but I feel you still need to work on the quality aspect. Check out some of the approved apps -- right now your character is looking a bit flimsy and sad. You don't have to write an epic, no, but your character is essentially a blank slate with a chalk outline drawn on it. Give us more to better understand who your character is, how he got to be the way he is, and what his goals and aspirations are. If you feel there's nothing else you can add, then I am afraid we'll have to redirect you to other sites that might better suit your style.

Metarie wrote:Again, the app is not just for outlining the character. From the app, the other writers on the site will decide whether they want to write with you or not. The effort here shows the effort you would make to contribute to a story.

Also, how you behave in chat with the others will also affect whether people want to write with you or not.