Thar Shaddin

Name: Raven Kilrisk
Race: Human
Age: 22
Height: 6'2
Weight: 215 pounds
Theme: "Europa"- by Globus

Appearance:
Raven seems like your average person in a crowd and that's how he likes it. He has a normal height with light brown hair and has predator like green eyes. He is trimmed and muscled because of his years in the wilderness and has a few scars on his chest and back area and rough callused hands because of his days working with his master and practicing climbing.

He wears a dark hooded cloak with a dragon clasp that holds it together as well as normal civilian wear such as a dark shirt and worn pants and climbing boots and archer’s gloves. Under this he wears a mix of plate mail, and chain mail under this to protect him from injury, his speed is not restricted by this because of life long training.

One of the most distinguishing features on his is his composite longbow rumored to be made out of dragon bone and Fer tree making it one of his most reliable weapons including a dark quiver for his arrows, he carries many different types of arrows for example he has barbed arrows which are extremely painful and hard to remove. He also has a steel sword for when the fight comes close with a gilded handle and a dark sheath.
His most important feature is a large hideous scar that runs down his neck from a a training mission (will put more about this in history)

Personal Items:

-Rangers Gear/ including rations, medical kits, clothing and such

- His Composite Longbow

- His Sword

-A chain Dragon necklace

Personality:
Silent, driven, efficient. These are the words that describe Raven, he is very antisocial and has developed many almost Autistic qualities. He seems cold and heartless from a distance, but is acutely a good person once you get to know him, he is strong willed and will always stand back up after every hit he takes, he runs by a strict code of honor and will never attack an unarmed opponent. He is very efficient at everything he does and shows a high drive to complete everything he does at 100% effort. (Will put more if needed)

Strengths:

- Skilled in most forms of combat, He knows most forms of unarmed combat as well as armed combat allowing him to be deadly and efferent in battle, he has learned to read the body motions to fight allowing him to “see” the blow before it’s coming

-Excellent reflexes, from years of training as a ranger he has the skill to catch an arrow, dodge a sword, catch a punch etc.

-He is a nice guy and would take a bullet for the people he cares about, he will do just about anything for a person that he believes deserves it and would likely dive into to a raging river to pull someone who is drowning out even if it cost him his own life, though he can turn his heart to stone and kill when he needs to

-He is a good hunter and gatherer, and can determine plant species and decide which deer has the best meat as well as determine if something is poisonous or not as well as define its species

-Excellent climber, from his years of scaling trees in the forest he has become an expert climber and he can scale just about anything

-Trained in the art of stealth allows him to blend with crowds, hide in the shadows, tail a target through an area unnoticed etc.

-He is capable of some slights of hand such as pickpocketing and small magic tricks to amuse others and himself as well as steal items

-Wilderness survival, being a ranger he has learned to survive in some of the most harshest climates known to man allowing him to live of the land and know certain medical treatments as well as know paths in the wilderness including how to hunt, he is also an excellent shot with his bow and uses quick thinking to survive

Weakness:
-Since he is silent it makes him difficult to trust because you never know what he is thinking at all, this makes him somewhat of an outcast and less likely to get help in times of need

- Since he has lived in the woods for such a long time and had only had his masters company, he is majorly anti-social and usually does not talk to really just anybody only after he trusts you does he talk freely with but this is weakness because he doesn't always go for help when needed an prefers to do things himself.

-He seems drawn to dragons and sometimes will take it too far putting him and others in danger

-Bound by honor, Raven is bound by honor and will never attack an unarmed enemy or an innocent person, or a person, who looks that way because he wants a honorable hunt/fight, which can be deadly for him if he lets the other person get a weapon to fight him with and their good at using it

-Headstrong, and will try to stand back up no matter what shape he is in, making him his own worst enemy by working himself to exhaustion and trying to work some more

-Tends to follow the path he thinks is right blindly even if in reality it is a very bad cause

History:
Raven was born into a family of nobles and lived a very charmed life of servants and lords and ladies. Then when he was three he moved out to a land called Ayana because of his father getting himself into some trouble doing some shady business deals under the table and was finally cought by some not so happy clients who threatend to kill him and his family. So then their father packed there things and shipped them out the next day. They started out with 40 guards by they were cut down one by one until there were about 27 guards left. After that came the dragon attacks on the family trading caravan and the family became very over protective of their child, locking him away in the house. He was able to leave if under guard but had to usually stay in the house every day learning proper manners and such and every day he would sneak up to the tower and read stories of great knights and dragons and then watched the birds. During these days the dragon attacks and robberies increased and he became obsessed with dragons after reading about them and then seeing one that was dead. During this time they had lost a lot of money and this drove his father to the bottle and his mother had to sell of positions to keep them afloat, during this time his father abused his child sowing the seeds of his dash to freedom. One day he noticed the birds had something he didn’t…they had freedom and then planned to leave this place, to run away and find his calling.

Then one night when he was nine he quickly, while everyone else was asleep climbed out a ground floor window. He then ran into the woods away from all the pain he had felt. He ran for hours into the deep forest around their house and finally climbed the fence to freedom, but then a few minutes of running later he became scared, (he was only nine after all) and tried to find somewhere to sleep and to get away from the howling of the wolves and the bandits that roamed the dark forests. He soon tripped over a large rock and fell down a hill breaking his leg.

Then Raven made note of his mistake, he was completely unprepared, and he would have died if not for Master Derent who found the young boy at the foot of a tree and took him to his cottage in the woods.
Their Raven meet the man that changed his life, Derent asked the young Raven many questions about where he had come from. Then Raven went on to answer the man’s truthfully and the old ranger was impressed by the boy’s desire to be free of the trails of nobility to become a free soul in an open world. So helped nurse him back to health, but when the old man took him back they found the house abandoned. His family had moved on without him because they though he was dead. Then the ranger agreed to take the boy in as his own train the boy in the ways of the ranger, a guardian of the peace and a master hunter, and his first challenge was to retrieve and arrow from the top of a large red wood tree and then they could continue on from there.

After three days of trying and failing and at wits end Raven vowed that he would never give up. and that day giving it his all he scaled that tree and got that arrow from the top of the tree, but was still foolish and jeered about his accomplishment and fell from the tree and on the way down got the gash on his neck by the arrow he had retrieved. His master came out again to save the boy and helped him again to survive, scarring him permanently leaving a long ropey scar. From that moment on the boy made a silent oath to himself he would follow the ranger code of honor like his master did the rules were as follows:

-Be willing to give your life for others for if you are willing, other's will be willing to give their lives for you

- Only take the lives of others with honor and do so in an honorable way giving them the right of passage into the afterlife and show respect while doing so

- Do not betray the ones you have called friend and show them respect if they have earned it

- Do not become cocky so that you reveal yourself to the enemy and the quest is lost because of arrogance, for you are not the only one who is dangerous

- Do not judge a person on what they look like or sound like, only judge them by their actions

- Tread the path in life you chose, never let anyone guide you, like the unpredictable storm choose your own path.


His next test was to hide and survive for three days in the woods while his master sent bounty hunters after him, and using a combination of skill and luck he completed the test. Soon afterwards he quickly completed the other test his master had given him and went on to become a ranger, but during this time he thought about where his family was and why had they left him for dead. When he turned 22 his master granted him the title of ranger and gave him the weapons he uses today.

During all that time though in the woods he became somewhat like a hermit living alone in solitude with no one but his master there for him. He started developing antisocial qualities that make him antisocial and stand offish in a conversation. Soon after he completed his training the old ranger died of old age and had a funeral in woods and was buried by the cabin of which Raven was one of the main mourners.

After this period of mourning was over Raven went out in world to seek honor that would make his dead master proud, but will always go back to that cabin and grave in the woods, he now goes to Marn looking for his destiny as a ranger, having been told about a man in Marn who knows about the main brotherhood of rangers and he will stop at nothing to find these secrets.

Hi and welcome to Thar.

Thanks for the app. The first thing I'm going to ask is that you remove the "class/occupation" spot that you've included for Raven. This is freeform roleplay, so we don't use classes here and don't really like making references to table top rpgs, as that's not what we do.

You should be aware that dragons are very rare in Eyropa and are only found in significant numbers in places like Ayana. Anything dragon-related would likely be shipped across the ocean to Darleone, and then across the strait to Eyropa. Where is Raven from? Is he from Ayana? What sort of stuff has he seen in Ayana? It's a really insane place to grow up in, and not much is known about it. They don't even have an unified government of any kind so anyone with a noble's background would have some stories to tell.

I'm going to say he has too many weapons if he's carrying them with him all the time, which it certainly seems like he is because he's a vagabond and currently traveling. He'd have to carry a big heavy pack with him for all of his daggers and would have to choose between the bow and the sword as far as which weapon he has at the ready. He won't be able to ninja them out at will, it doesn't make sense.

What exactly does a ranger do? Do they just live in the woods and creep around for no reason? What is his purpose? What was he trained to do aside from fight and live in the wilderness? What sort of honor system does he use? What things does he consider honorable? Doesn't he ever wonder about his parents? How old was he when he ran away? Does he remember them? Where were they from?
These are questions I'd like you to think about and perhaps you can use them to add a bit to his history. So far I don't see him as a fleshed out character; what you've got is a skeleton of what I'd really like to see.

How do you plan on playing a mute character who has apparently not known or interacted with anybody except for his master? He must be really psychologically screwed up because he didn't have a proper childhood and apparently hasn't even spoken with anybody at all, ever. What sort of psychological defects does he have from this? You should add those things to his weaknesses. Right now all of your strengths are combat related. What non-combat, non-ranger strengths does he have? Is he a nice guy? Is he an asshole? Does he have a problem with murder or has he done it before? Would he have an issue with people hiring him as a mercenary?

Lastly, why is he traveling to Marn? While Marn runs on the Northern trade route, it's not really a place to visit for the sake of visiting. Does he know somebody there who can tell him his destiny or something?

It's important that you be able to play your character with other people, so the fact that he's mute is something you'll really need to think about as far as how he'll be interacting with other characters. Nobody wants to write alone :p

I changed up the bio and added a bit more to as well, I also gave him consitering what he's went through posttraumatic stress disorder. (Read more here to see if you think it fits well http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traum ... s_disorder)

Also I added why he's coming here and more about his child hood and how he came out this way, also on the side note I changed him to somewhat mute but it hurts very badly to speak and when he doesn't talk, he'll resopond through facal expressions and well as bodly motions, like shaking his head no or pointng, so now he does talk a little but he rarely does. Hope it looks a little more fleshed and added in

I appreciate your additions to your app. I'd still like you to get rid of the "class" description at the top, if you would.

I'd also suggest you copy paste your application into a word processor like Microsoft Word or Libre Office so that you can run a spell check on it. You seem to have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. This is important to get used to because other players need to be able to understand what you're trying to write.

Although you've changed it so that he's only partially mute, you still write that he's "silent" in his weaknesses. You should remove that. He's either mute or he's not.

Why would his father want to move to Ayana? Why would he think it was good for business? Only someone mentally handicapped would think something like that; good business comes from having lots of clientele, and Ayana is quite lacking in that respect. Ayana is a place people go to be adventurers and kill monsters and try to escape from things, and a lot of people die there. The Seal that separates the Astral Plane with the real world is weaker in that part of the world and there's a lot of stuff there that you wouldn't want to play with.

Why did his master dying trigger PTSD? Nothing horrible happened to the master, he just died of old age. Only serious child abuse would cause something like that, and it could develop over time, but it wouldn't be triggered by his master dying. When I asked for you to add some sort of weakness that shows he's a little messed up from living alone in the woods and not having any social interaction with anybody other than his master, I didn't mean for you to give him an actual mental disorder. Mental disorders are a bit overdone and add a whole new level of complications to your character and how you write him.

Think about it this way: home-schooled children have tendencies to lack some of the social skills of their publicly schooled peers. They can regain them, but imagine growing up not just away from other kids some of the time, but away from all over humans completely other than your guardian. A person with that background might even exhibit some of the social lacking symptoms of Asperger's syndrome or even autism.

Ok, changed that and sorry for making it over complecated as you can see I not the best when it comes to profiles. Anyway moving on, I changed the reasons why the family left (turns out why they were rich was because his father was a black market trader) and cheated someone who then threatened to kill them. Also, I checked for spelling, but it still might be missing somthing so tell me if there is. I also did a check for run on's, but if I missed anything tell me.I talked about how his lifestyle as a child and growing up afffected him is a somewhat Autistic way like you suggested and talked breifly about some of the effects on him, but tell me if I should list more. I also made it so he can talk.

It's certainly looking better. I really appreciate your effort in editing your application and I think it's better than it was when you first posted it.

I'm afraid that you're taking the things I say a little too literally. I don't really want to you include that he has "autistic like" tendencies as it might read a little offensively, so I'm sorry I mentioned that at all. Just say something in your weaknesses that he has trouble with social cues and is a bit of an oddball because of the way he was raised. Your history makes a lot more sense now so I'll say that after you change that, I'll approve it.

sorry about that, i've always been kinda of a person who takes things to literally and doesn't get sarcasm, but anyway I've completed all of the changes you've said and if their is anything else you can tell me to change just tell me.

Approved.