Thar Shaddin

Thanks for wasting my time.

Welcome to Thar and thanks for the app.

Please do edit this with proper formatting, double returns on paragraphs and the like. Leave a reply when you have done so, so I will know to reread it and give you feedback.

Though the vagaries of fashion are of course ever changing, I think perhaps a cowbow hat is not something that would be found in the Eurasian continent. Traditionally the herding cultures of Eurasia used tall, pointed hats (without brims -- they had the triangular eyefold that helped with the sun's glare), and as our North America never got settled by Europeans, they would not have given us the western style that produced cowboy hats.

The reason why we get so particular about stuff like this is due to the fact that certain words evoke very specific feels, and can rip people out of the setting.

A tip for you reguarding apostrophes: they are used to denote possessive words, measurements and contractions. You've got some scattered about your app that do nothing.

Your weaknesses do not balance out your strength. Zelos has no issue whatsoever with shifting, and he is essentially stronger than any given human. Essentially all that can hurt him is silver and his senses being overloaded, for which people do not typically carry silver on them and I'm not even sure how a sensory overload can be accomplished. Please go back through your weaknesses and explain 2, 4, and 7. As well, I would like to know exactly what sort of shadow magic he is capable of, and what it would take for him to be able to use it.

Please explain what happens when he goes into a rage.

A throwing knife has to be exquisitely balanced, and as such making one out of stone is a lost cause. Far more likely for a culture trapped in a stone age would be slings and simply throwing stones. Please replace the throwing knives with something more likely to be found within a culture who only use stone, animal parts and wood. Here's a good page on throwing sticks, slings and bolas: http://www.woodcraftwanderings.org/hunting.html

How did Zelos even find out he had magic? How did it express itself?

Using a bola to capture a bounty might not be the best idea, as they are capable of breaking bones.

Please leave a reply here or let me know in chat when you have made edits so I can reexamine your app.

This application is denied.

We appreciate your willingness to try to learn and grow as a writer, but we feel that at this time Thar is not the place in your personal evolution. You were game and enduring in chat when we were bringing up points about your character -- and I salute you for that -- but overall I get the sense from your edited character sheet that Thar is not, in the end, where your rp bent would be suited.

I suggest you take a peek over at our community & links section for other sites to try. One place we recommend in particular is here. It's a good intermediary, a place that has a more free-form setting while still encouraging character development and plot development. I wish you luck and perseverance as you continue to evolve your writing. If after you've had more experience with the world of writing you wish to try here again, we'll be here.

Best,

Kat

This is a rare occasion that a rule is being invoked. He's asked for a second opinion. http://www.tharshaddin.com/rules/Disputes

I've unlocked this and will handle reviewing it when it's been edited.

I've read it over. There are a few changes.

His half-way form shouldn't be bigger than both his other forms for two reasons. It makes no sense and it's too powerful. His human form is 200 lbs. His jaguar form is 300 lbs. His half-way form should be 250 lbs.

It says in his history that he rides Tama around with grace and ease. A deer can't carry a 200 lb. man. A lanky elf might be able to ride a deer, but not a character you've made intentionally huge.

I don't want to step on your toes Frug but he did say elk, not deer.

Elk cows average 225 kilograms (500 lb), stand 1.3 metres (4.3 ft) at the shoulder, and are 2 metres (6.6 ft) from nose to tail. Bulls are some 40% larger than cows at maturity, weighing an average of 320 kilograms (710 lb), standing 1.5 metres (4.9 ft) at the shoulder and averaging 2.5 metres (8.2 ft) in length.

- Elk ARE deer.
- A "light riding horse" weighs from 380 to 550 kilograms while work horses can get up to 1000kg. They're also better built for riding. If he wasn't a big guy, I would say ok, but he's specifically big and muscular and carries things with him that weigh even more. I realize you can ride deer though http://www.sophieandmarc.com/Mongolia/D ... 37_24.html
If he really wants it, just change it to be clear that it's a huge elk and it isn't gracefully carrying him with ease.

If he's native american in origins, and the setting you're describing him as growing up in is based on that region, how can marn be anywhere near his homeland? Marn's in eastern europe.

Well even though Native Americans aren't in Europe they still had many barbarian tribes. Also Europe has many large forests so I honestly don't see the problem. It's a tribal like structure is what I am getting at. Since many of the events that shaped Europe haven't happened in this world an that the world is described as somewhat savage so I just assumed that there would be some scattered settlements in the less explored regions of the world. The village could also be located near on in where Russia is because Russia has a huge amount of forests.http://blog.mapsofworld.com/tag/forest- ... urope-map/ Here is a map showing forest density and other such things.

Interesting map. Here's a link to the description of Thar Shaddin from the setting pages: http://www.tharshaddin.com/wiki/Thar_Shaddin

And the first paragraph on the page.

The Thar of Shaddin (simply 'Thar Shaddin' in the local dialect) is a 300 km² piece of land situated inside a desolate region known as the Sooqui Plain. The word thar is a local word used for any flat region of land delineated by natural boundaries such as a river, hills, mountains, or trees. There are several other thars on the Sooqui Plain (such as Fain and Keia) however Shaddin is the only one that is also essentially a country.

It doesn't explicitly say that there isn't a forest tribe of giant shifters there but the desolate landscape of the Sooqui plain suggests that any forests are either small, like the Virdara woods, or would be on the outskirts of the plain. Simply put, Marn is in the middle of nowhere. This is a key feature of the setting.

While it's still workable, I have to stress that replacing the location of the origin of your character's homeland should involve more than changing a name. Marn is not a well known city and any dense forest would be far east enough to be closer to the Eastern empire than to Marn. Explain why he would go to Marn and not the giant empire located to the East.

I'm closing this and moving it to inactive.