Thar Shaddin

Name: Tallieya Dei Bloodrose

Nick Name: Tallie

Age: Truly its unknown but she looks 23.

Heights: 5'7

weight: 110

Eyes: Silver

Hair: Silver Aqua

Race: elven Magic user

Possessions: A normal staff. a bow and arrow, and knife. She has a bag which hold her clothing and smaller bag which holds different herbs and first aid kit. She as some food mostly dried fruit a pouch to hold water in.

Skills: Tallie is a wonderful tracker, hunter, seamstress not mention she can cook and clean. Tallie has always prided her self on the fact that she never really needed any help from people. She is able to cut her own would for fires, build her own shelters while in the wilderness. Tallie can heal a wound with the normal bandage and herbs. Her marital arts aren't that bad, close combat is weak but doable her sword fighting the same. Her staff use is better the the others but her marksmanship is the best next to her magic use.

Magical: Tallie has the ability to heal herself and minor wounds. Tallie could befriend a rabid wolf if she pleased and heal it all the same But it rarely happens. She was able to move things with out touching them, she could read other peoples thoughts and talk back if she ever came upon someone with the same ability , and she had a voice that most would have killed to here.



Description: Tallie is slender but shapely her body formed to look as if though she was meant to be a precious work of art not a humanoid. She always wheres black though she has other colors she will where on occasion. Her top is often a black off the shoulder V cut corset that stops at her belly button. Her pants though black leather fit her as if they where a second skin making her curves more obvious. She wears black thigh high leather boots that tie the full length up. Her skin pale like it once had been touched by deaths hand yet its so smooth. Her hair is like spun silver aqua silk that shimmers when the sun hits it just right, it's length to her lower back and straight all except her bangs which cover her eyes slightly. Her eyes silver, but one needs to look closer to notice that they are swirling vortex's much like that of liquid mercury.These enchanting eyes lighten and darken with her mood much like the sky or a storm would. Underlining her eyes naturally is black. Her lips slider but very noticeable are black as well. On the left side of her body against her paled skin is what looks to be be a triable like vine marking that starts at her head gets lost beneath her pants. She gives off an aura of kindness yet defiance in every way.

History: The Bloodrose bloodline is one of great power and riches though their kindness and wiseness were very well documented, but the Bloodrose's did not flaunt it. They would rather live as peasants then on a pedestal. When Lady Bloodrose decided that the riches that where collected by the family members from the past where useless to her she decided that it was time to put them to good use for every one else she decided that she would sell or give them away and put the money earned towards her wonderful home town and some away for herself and her orphaned granddaughter. Tallie grew up a seamstress but she had unusual talents so to say. Talents that most would wish to posses for them selves or at least use Tallie to their advantages. She was able to move things with out touching them, she could read the most secret thoughts of others, and she had a voice that most would have killed to here. As she grew up things became more complicated as men became very interested in courting her and her consent denial of the proposal whic agrivated most everyone. Her mother and father had died when she was much younger so she was raised by her grandmother who respected everything the Tallie believed in, Then after Tallie turned 19 Lady Bloodrose passed away. This caused Tallie to grow restless and went in search of a journey and she got it. Mostly the normal, thieves, renegades, It didn't help that when someone or some thing was in danger she always felt the need to help.

One day she came to a town. A town where shamans, and monks studied. So she to began to study in this magic enriched town, the town of Blood moon it was called. This town taught her to be an illusionist. A women who could trick a person by calling upon something that wasn't there or hypnotizing them in to thinking it was more then just a mirage. It even taught her to make a clone of herself who would do as she did as a defense action in case of a rather unfair battle. This town also taught her the ability to become summoner a person who could call about almost any thing to aid in a battle if it was near or was needed. One day during her meditation Tallie was granted a gift, the ability to call on an ancient serpent like dragon called Kujin but with this gift came something else, though able to be killed Kujin was incredibly strong so all who had faced it in battle would never survive.

This was a gift as well as a down fall because when he is summoned he takes control of Tallie's mind and body and has a blood lust that not many can stop and when struck though it may not harm him it harms Tallieya and depending on the strength and type of the attack it can be lethal to one or both. Tallie though greatful for this power that was bestowed upon her began to regret this lesson but continued on her journey to find new things and adventures.

Flaws/weakness: Tallie has downfalls that none would ever had thought of the well put together young women. She has a mind that does flit here and there to what it would be like to actually own her own tavern or shop, or maybe even have a man take her hand in marriage. Tallie's pride is a big one she will never let herself cry in front of another or fail at least with out a fight. Tallie is very determined women and will do anything she can for herself before asking for any help. The most likely of her biggest flaws/weakness would actually be kujin in the same since that his power is very great. Tallie's up close and personal ability's in battle are a problem to, so most don't count on that ability from her.

Try looking on our Community and Links page. http://www.tharshaddin.com/community.html This may be more what you are looking for.

If you really have your heart set on this however...

- Please proof-read your work. There are far too many spelling and grammatical errors, we don't mind the occasional mistake but at least show you are making an effort with your writing.

- Be descriptive with your history, use it as a chance to show off your writing.

- We need to know clearly what your character is capable of, not guesswork powers from her history.

Posessions: (anything they own or keep on their person)
Powers or Strengths: (including stuff like magic, money, martial arts, etc.)
Weaknesses:

I can give a more detailed critique of your character if you wish, but before I do I am asking permission. There is a reason: if I do I will critique your work in excruciating detail, I will make an analysis of every point and line and event, I will be critical to the point of drawing blood by the gallon. I will do this not to be cruel, but to help you improve your writing.

Far better writing, I must say. Well done on that front. You also gave more names and life to her history. So that is good.

I've also been given permission to critique, although with the request to be nice. Very well, I will spare the rod but not the lash.

So to begin...

Strengths and Powers:

Tallie also has the ability to heal herself and minor wounds. Her marital arts aren't that bad close combat is weak but doable her sword fighting the same. Her staff use is better the the others but her marksmanship is the best next to her magic use. Tallie could befriend a rabid wolf if she pleased and heal it all the same.

Is the healing magical? Befriending a rabid wolf and curing rabies would have to be magical. Best to state that clearly. Another thing is ALL her magic use must be explicitly stated, ideally seperately from her normal skills so we know what is magic and what is not.

I also read a number of things in her history which I believe would belong here...

She was able to move things with out touching them, she could read the most secret thoughts of others, and she had a voice that most would have killed to here.

Use the history to explain why she can do all this. Were the Bloodrose family magically proficient and taught her? Also, 'reading the most secret thoughts of others' is far too powerful for a starting character.

This town taught her to be an illusionist. A women who could trick a person by calling upon something that wasn't there or hypnotizing them in to thinking it was more then just a mirage. It even taught her to make a clone of herself who would do as she did as a defense action in case of a rather unfair battle. This town also taught her the ability to become summoner a person who could call about almost any thing to aid in a battle if it was near or was needed. One day during her meditation Tallie was granted a gift, the ability to call on an ancient serpent like dragon called Kujin but with this gift came something else, though able to be killed Kujin was incredibly strong so all who had faced it in battle would never survive.

What is important, is that if these powers are not listed under her special abilities she cannot use them now. Which would be good because those abilities are FAR too powerful for a starting character.

Also, what does she need to do to activate those abilities? Does it take time or is it mere act of thought?

Her magic abilities seems to be healing, animal control, moving objects, mind probes, supernatural voice, creating illusions, summoning very powerful monsters. Each of these powers is extremely strong by themselves.

There is also a setting issue. The Guard will kick your ass if you bring too much magic in the city. And they can. They have fended off dragon attacks before.

Appearance:

Leaving alone the issue of an overwhelmingly attractive psuedo-goth... (personally I like the poetic/descriptive language but find her overwhelming attractiveness needless or gratuitous).

She gives off an aura of kindness yet defiance in every way.

This is useful. Work on this point - is the aura true or false? Is she kind and defiant or is she cruel? Either way, make sure her history contains events where she acts in that manner.

Show, not tell.

History:

The Bloodrose bloodline is one of great power and riches though their kindness and wiseness were very well documented, but the Bloodrose's did not flaunt it. They would rather live as peasants then on a pedestal. Tallie grew up a seamstress but she had unusual talents so to say.

That bloodline would not be able to retain their power and riches. If they live as peasants, their resources would be that of a peasant lifestyle. The manors and estates of the rich and powerful are actually how they generate income, and the castles and forts are how they protect their riches.

As she grew up things became more complicated.

How? Just by the loss of her parents? How did that complicate things?

Mostly the normal, thieves, renegades, and men who felt that possessing Tallie in every way would make them the most powerful and feared men in the world

Why is Tallie so important? What about other men? Did they all stand for this? If so, why did she seem to encounter all the rotten men rather than the good men who would step up to her defence?

but she never let them win she would beat them at their own games using her powers and seducing them tell she was able to get free.

Aside from the missing punctuation, this screams Mary Sue-ish to me. Why did she need to beat them at their own game? Why not just batter them senseless with magically moved objects or use her powers to slam them head first into the nearest tree?

One day she came to a town. A town where shamans, and monks studied. So she to began to study in this magic enriched town, the town of Blood moon it was called. This town taught her to be an illusionist.

Why did they teach her? What did she have to offer? How did she react to the beliefs of the shamans and monks? Was their magic tied to their beliefs and teachings? The magical tradition beyond the powers she gains is something to explore.

This town taught her to be an illusionist. A women who could...

Are illusionists gender specific? If so, there may be an intriguing story there.

One day during her meditation Tallie was granted a gift,

Granted? By who? Who or what would give that specific power to Tallie, and why?

Here is the thing to remember, everything Tallie is given should be given for a reason. Either explain what she has done to earn it or what the giver hopes she will do with that gift.

Weaknesses: - These are the key to a really interesting character. This is the point where you get to poke fun of your own character, pose them with challenges, or otherwise see how they react under pressure.

The basis of most stories is conflict, or the obstacles posed to the character reaching their goal. In this case, there are no significant obstacles which Tallie can face because of her abilities so we need to create internal difficulties.

Balancing weaknesses and strengths is important. IE: Her weaknesses should matter as much as her strengths do, they should hinder her as much as her strengths help her.

Flaws/weakness: Tallie has downfalls that none would ever had thought of the well put together young women. She has a mind that does flit here and there to what it would be like to actually own her own tavern or shop, or maybe even have a man take her hand in marriage. Tallie's pride is a big one she will never let herself cry in front of another or fail at least with out a fight. Tallie is very determined women and will do anything she can for herself before asking for any help. The most likely of her biggest flaws/weakness would actually be kujin in the same since that his power is very great. Tallie's up close and personal ability's in battle are a problem to, so most don't count on that ability from her.

Which of these are real weaknesses? How will they make her life more difficult? So what if she wont cry in public? Being stubborn and obstinate are not weaknesses to someone with so many magic powers.

How is dreaming of settling down and getting married a weakness?


Overall:

With respect, I think this is a Mary Sue. A superwoman character designed to effortlessly dominate every situation in any way she sees fit and make every other character in the story unimportant. Her traits, skills and abilities are barely justified, her flaws are not noteworthy enough to add depth.

She is stunningly attractive, overwhelmingly magically powerful, from a special bloodline - all for no apparent reason. Everything goes her way - she will win every fight and solve every puzzle, complete strangers will share powerful magic with her, there are no true problems for her. She needs to be humanized or challenged to be interesting or sympathetic.

My best advice is to think of problems which your character cannot solve, but are not impossible to solve for someone else. This allows other players to join you in a story and enjoy some of the spotlight. I had once (twice ) had similar difficulties to a lesser degree, you need to work on including other people in your story. This character wont achieve that.

My advice, take notes. You have some good aspects to your writing, you can be very evocative, which is perhaps the hardest part of good writing to actually develop. The rest is technique, that is talent. Make good use of that without overpowering everyone else. The trick is to work from the assumption that the rest of the world is important too.

Jeez Rail. She really opened a can of worms giving you permission to respond.

Not saying I disagree.

Thanks both of you, I guess in a way the reason this seems so easy to type is Tallie has been a char I have been working on for about 2 years now.

The question now is, shall I continue to fix it or do you wish me to except my defeat? granted I want you to know I do have interest in playing here if we can find room for me some where. There is the other question if I do continue where do I answer all though in my profile.....that seems to be and exceptionally long profile *laughs* but if you wish i will

Personally I believe you will struggle here. We are a high-standard site and it doesn't suit everyone. However - One thing I will wish to set clear - there is no 'defeat' here. My only goal has been to help you develop your character into one which meets our standards.

I can say this much i have never had to try so hard to meet standards with a char but then again most chars i play are not Tallie who I am dead set on keeping the same as she is, but it seems things must change and i knew that when i first brought her up, though you did not answer my question most directly I will fix what you think if it works a I will watch from afar tell something new pops up where i might actually be able to enjoy. *smiles* if not then you may delete Tallie.

In that case, farewell. We cannot allow new characters anywhere near as powerful as Tallie without serious consequences to the setting, and while I am willing to point out changes necessary the end approved result needs to be predominantly your own work. The reason for this is that your character application is an indication of how appropriate you are as a writer for the site, setting and community. Extremely powerful characters such as this one rarely play well with others.

Goodbye and good luck.