Thar Shaddin

Ditto for me. A few points though;

Shadow. Look up. That entire post was made off the same computer with no problems.

"Sarcastic" was perhaps the wrong word there. I won't edit it so people know what we're on about. Perhaps... "blatantly honest" might fit the bill.

Our form of honesty tends to knock people off balance (Nine charges...)

shadowsong wrote:Actually, I circled right

Did you HAVE to? You just HAD to find fault with my testimony... you're worse than a lawyer sometimes...

My point on the matter differes not at all from yours, my friend. He did threaten me, and those were dismissed. It was when he threatened YOU that I took action.

SELF BE DAMNED. THERE ARE FAR MORE IMPORTANT PEOPLE OUT THERE

Shadowsong wrote:Again, yes. If Paul had dropped the knife down the drain, I would have went for him again. With nothing to hold me back.

There would have been something in the way. Me, pummeling the little shit to within an inch of his worthless life.

And then some more.

Shadowsong wrote:Perhaps one of the greatest days of my life. I gained so much confidence, respect and I had proven that I stand for my convictions when there is trouble.

It's on my greatest days list, right after a couple of blissful moments with my girlfriend.

I too gained so much from that day it is unbelievable. My self-confidence went straight up, but since it was coming from about -5 at the time I didn't get all egotistical.

Something nobody knew until I pressed the "submit" button on this thing.

The night before, I'd done the nasty with the razorblade on my own arm. This was more due to the place I was living than the situation, which had improved a lot since the days I used to think about it non stop.

Shadow, I told you I never managed it.

I lied.

Remember when I moved my stuff in next door to you, and I had that splint on my wrist?

I didn't miss with the hammer. It went exactly where I wanted it to.





Now that Shadow's gone off and had his heart attack, I'll carry on with my point (He had a point?, I hear you typing...)

Since that day I haven't thought about it at all except in memory format. The thought's still there, and always will be, but I was able to take some mental discipline away from the confrontation, and use it to shore myself up in the brain regions. The only time I've thought about it recently was the days immediatly following the events described in the post that started this thread. This was about two weeks ago.

I didn't do it.







I didn't stop myself.






Nice to know who you RP with, huh?

PS: Shadow, I know you pride yourself on picking up on things, but you should know by now;

If I really want something to stay hidden - it does.

And don't bother looking for the scars, I didn't do my arms this time.

Erm... it might be nice to know where your folks keep the bandages though... in case I "trip up" again...

Most of that was stuff I would have rather known about BEFORE reading it on this site.

Not a heart attack, just seething.

Jenica, please help! We may have hijacked your thread.

Sorry. It just felt easier to write it here, and let you read it whilst
I WAS NOT THERE TO SEE YOUR FACE AND OBSERVE JUDGMENT IN YOUR EYES BEFORE YOUR MIND KICKED IN.

Everyone does it. It's why I rarely tell people. Well as I know even Shadow, I just can't shake the prospect of actually telling people face to face. If I have a choice, I don't.

And before you ask, shadow, no, my girlfriend doesn't know. I'll have to tell her eventually, but you know why this isn't going to go down well...

If I was comfortable talking about it so blatantly, I'd have said something when I lived in the DA. (Part of the hostel I used to live in surrounded by drug addicts, crackwhores (lol, not really) etc.). I mean, come on. That was every second of every minute of every hour of every day for five months... and nothing compared to what others have been through.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't need help. I just need to find a way that people can help without talking face-to-face about it.

I don't wanna kill myself. I don't even dislike myself. I just like the pain sometimes. I... focus on it, see the blood and feel the adrenaline run through the veins I nearly cut... It's hard to describe. And I'm good at descriptive.

Not quite better than sex.

But almost.




Sorry everyone, you can just tell me to STFU if you like. I just find it easier to get off my chest here. And it is a kind of drama... right?

Doncha worry, you boys can have it! I'm thoroughly enjoying the stories and banter. I don't have ANYTHING exciting happening in my life.

I did get promoted at work though! Yey for me!!!

Cheers for Jen!! YAY!!! Still... do feel a bit guilty about the whole thread stealing buisness. I'm sorry... this isn't what I envisaged talking about when I started...

So if I pretended I was mad, would you seriously believe it? Ahahaha, heeheehee...

Can you pretend you're mad? I mean I have the scars to prove it, but...

Jenica Sabiny wrote:Doncha worry, you boys can have it! I'm thoroughly enjoying the stories and banter. I don't have ANYTHING exciting happening in my life.

I did get promoted at work though! Yey for me!!!

1) Congratulations.

2) Comments? Telling stories is great (not much point on being on a creative writing site otherwise now is there...?) but if it's a conversation then hearing opinions on it is preferred.

I WAS NOT THERE TO SEE YOUR FACE AND OBSERVE JUDGMENT IN YOUR EYES BEFORE YOUR MIND KICKED IN.

And Xyon, you know me better than to expect me to suddenly start judging. That isn't how I work.

It's not a conscious thing, the fear of judment.


Screw that - none of this shit is conscious - It doesn't matter what I do, what I say, who I know, etc. etc. - It's there. Just like the fear. I don't think I'll ever get rid of it. It overwhelmed me in the last few days and thus fresh scars appeared.

I'm not too sure whether I can actually keep it under control, since I've no idea where it ocmes from or what, if anything, triggers it.

Most probably I'll never be rid of it.

woo.

I had the same.

Then I started thinking "what right do they have to judge me."

So now I ask myself that question seriously, so I either they don't have the right to judge me and thus I'm not going to let it bother me, or they do have the right and thus I accept it... which is not the same as agreeing with it.

Yes.... but people don't judge you because they've seen what you've done to your own body... scars...

It is a self-destructive habit, same as alchoholism. It takes time to learn to deal with.

Now I know people with real alchohol problems, and I have seen them try to overcome them. At some point, they will relapse. Recovering from habits or addictions like that is hard work and a gradual process, not something someone will complete flawlessly from start to finish.

So what people will think should be the least of your concerns. Will speak more on this when I see you next.

You're right. It's about as self-destructive as I can get.

Whilst I appreciate what you're saying, it does feel like I'm never going to get over it. Since that week I spoke about, I've done it three times. Each time it gets worse, and I don't want to stop whilst doing it.

Eventually it becomes impossible to carry on. I don't know why, it just does. Last time, which wasn't more than a day ago, my knuckles siezed up and I actually dropped the knife... not that it helped any since i picked it straight back up.

I don't know. Maybe I should just give in to it. Fighting it gets harder every day and with my recent dramas I'm a little defeated mentally.

I read a tip site that offered solutions to try to "replace" the sensation to help you get over it... (Like nicotine patches, I guess?) Dying ice cubes red and 'drawing' with it where you want to cut, using a red marker or pen where you want to cut, doing things that make you feel comfort, distracting yourself, stuff like that. I couldn't find it again for you, but I found this instead. Gotta scroll down to the bulleted list. There are actually a lot of websites about it, now that I'm looking.

Thanks. I've just joined a forum, set up specifically for this kind of thing. I'd like to link it...

http://www.recoveryourlife.com

BTW you have to register with the website then again with the forums. Look for Xyon if you swing by.